One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
If I stop, rain will puddle and my shoes just aren’t in the mood, and so I walk.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
Shoes have thoughts.
No.
No.
No they don’t.
No they don’t.
I just need something other than me to have a whirring mind in this moment, lest my madness make me febrile.
I am fine.
I have always been fine.
She lied so many times.
I have always been fine.
There is no need to worry.
Nothing is wrong.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
There is no madness.
I have murdered the madness.
NO.
I have put the madness to sleep.
The madness is an onyx canine.
The madness is no more.
Painkillers.
Sedative.
Drink in one last breath and dream.
Yes.
One more step.
One more breath.
Where am I headed?
She looked so sad.
There are birds calling in the trees.
Fuck off birds.
They know the truth, so they must be silent.
She always looked so sad.
I made no difference.
Can’t let it get on top of me.
A stone hurtles through the air.
One more step.
One more step.
There is blood, born of the birds and born of my birth.
No.
The devil has me but I am safe.
The birds sing no more and everything is safe.
My shoes want to walk. The rain is after them, so I step.
Nice and careful. Nice and quick.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
I will not be eaten by this day.
I will be safe and dry when I get where I’m going.
One more step.
My legs are tired but they are clever.
My nails are whispering.
They are embarrassed to be out, while such a mess.
Red is not their colour, and I have my sympathies, but I must rush.
Yes.
One more step.
One more breath.
I have done something wicked, and my nails know it.
So ashamed.
So scarlet.
There is no need to worry.
When I am free, I will be cleansed and I will be understood.
One more step.
One more breath.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
People are beginning to stare.
My nails were right, and my shoes scream at them to shut up.
The birds are back.
New birds.
Birds that have heard the news.
Why?
Why?
Why must they talk?
Why must they gossip?
Why must they know?
Why couldn’t they know before?
Why couldn’t they see what I was driven to?
Why does nobody understand?
One.
One.
One more breath.
One more step.
I was her favourite doll.
Cursed child of a chronic child.
Princess in a tower.
Free.
Free.
Need.
Need to be free.
One more step.
One more death.
They didn’t see how big the lock was.
How it watched me from the hallway.
They didn’t feel how big the silence was when she pushed the needle into my skin with a smile.
No.
No.
All behind me now.
I still feel woozy from the last dose.
I am moving down this busy road.
No.
No.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
The needle needs me.
I can feel it’s longing itch under my wrists.
Need.
Need.
Need.
Never leave me sweet one.
Need.
You are MY daughter.
Need.
You are MY best friend.
Need.
You are my whole world.
Need.
You belong to ME.
Need.
No.
No.
Close the door and shame the devil.
Close your eyes and shame yourself.
No.
No.
She looked so sad.
She always looked sad.
No.
She was in labour for so long.
No.
She had nobody else.
No.
You were all she ever wanted.
No.
Why couldn’t you just be a good child?
NO.
NO.
I EXIST.
NO.
I AM REAL.
NO.
I AM NOT A THING SHE MADE.
NO.
NO.
NO.
Fenced in.
Futile.
Febrile.
Nothing wrong with me, Mum.
No.
Something wrong with you, Mum.
No.
Something’s got to give, Mum.
No.
No.
No.
Shadows come and oh, how they whisper.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
Don’t you want to be free, little girl?
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
Don’t you want to grow up, little girl?
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
Woman with an unfortunate manicure.
Nobody has seen me in years.
“She’s not as sick as they say…” they say.
I say nothing.
Everyone is talking, but I hear my shoes.
Shoes.
Thinking.
Planning.
Scheming.
My nails have given me away.
Children point.
Mother’s gasp.
Birds twirl through cloudy skies.
I walk.
Walk.
One foot in front of the other.
Scrunching my nails into my palms.
Her blood bows to my own as my skin breaks.
I am awake but I long for a dream.
No.
No.
The devil called and I relented.
No.
No.
The devil’s embrace was so inviting.
No.
No.
If only you’d saved me.
No.
No.
Why did nobody save me?
NO.
NO.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
She’s dead.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
I am alive.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
She’s dead.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
I am alive.
One foot in front of the other. One step after another.
One more step.
One more breath.
Sincerely, Jennifer x 