I just really needed coffee, you know? That was probably what all that mess was before. I didn’t have a coffee this morning and so I’ve been a complete mess all day.
I’m normally so efficient. Unstoppable. Formidable. Today though? A COMPLETE mess.
It’s been a disaster. I have been a disaster! One thing after another. I’ve barely had a moment to breathe, and now, here I am, talking your ear off.
I’m sorry.
I’ll have a coffee, and everything will be okay. Right? That’s how it goes. You have a coffee and the world just seems okay again.
So, yes. Coffee.
Can I grab a grande pumpkin spice latte with extra dry foam, soy milk and two pumps of caramel please. Oh, and two birthday cake pops. I’m absolutely famished.
It’s not my birthday, but a little treat might take the edge off. They’re not both for me though, don’t worry.
Oh God. I’m just so down about it all though, you know?
This day will drag me down for the rest of my life. Honestly, I’m just so disappointed. I’ve been running around like a headless chicken all day and it’s been for nothing, because he just will not go down!
I have tried absolutely everything, but he just still has some fight in him. The bastard.
I’ve never had this problem before.
I’m the best in the business, no question.
I’ve harvested a lot of people in my life, but this guy TOTALLY ruined my streak.
From street to plate in under an hour. That’s always been the way, but he just won’t play ball.
I mean, you expect a high standard of yourself, that’s a given. You want to make it a good experience for everyone who is depending on you, but it only takes one member of the team to let everyone down. I’m sure you get it. That probably happens all the time in hospitality, just with less blood!
Oh…
You look… is that shocked?
Am I detecting a little shock?
Surprise?
General ‘Can’t be arsed to work in hospitality at 2AM’ vibes?
Disgust?
Hunger?
Fright?
All of the above?
And there was me thinking that the drive thru was a judgement free zone.
You’ve probably heard all sorts at the drive thru, so I don’t know why you’re acting all precious now! Besides, I haven’t killed him… yet. Who do you think the second cake pop is for?
You needn’t worry. It’s all for a good cause, and I won’t do anything to you. I mean… who would get me my coffee if I killed you? That would be silly of me, wouldn’t it?
No, I won’t hurt you, I promise, and if you knew what this guy had done, you wouldn’t be that bothered about him.
It’s all for a good cause, anyway, like I said. The harvest ensures that the hungry can eat. What I do is noble. Certainly a lot more noble than serving coffees through a window, so don’t look down your nose at me, you snotty cow.
There’s no point calling for your manager, or pressing that dummy panic button. I know that you’re in charge on this shift, and there’s only the guy at the next window, and someone inside making the coffees.
I could come in there and harvest you all… but I won’t. Like I said, the world needs coffee, so you can live, but don’t go treating me like a fool and pretending someone will be along to sort me out for scaring you, because we both know that nobody is coming to rescue you, Princess.
I always come around this time, and it’s normally you at this first window. I thought you were quite nice, actually. Always up for a chat while I order, but now? Now I know that you’re a judgemental, stuck up little madam who doesn’t know the meaning of a hard day’s graft.
Do you know what the world would be like without people like me? Do you think that your pretty little face would last long out there if I wasn’t keeping those… things at bay? They need feeding, and that’s all I’m doing. If I didn’t, they’d be snacking on more than your cake pops, love.
I didn’t even want this job, to be honest. I’d much rather swap places. Do you think you’d like to track down wrong’uns and turn them into dinner for the damned? It isn’t exactly my dream job, you know.
You sit there behind your window, and you judge me, like I have a say in this.
It’s the family business. The Carter’s have always been harvesters, ever since this world began, and those… abominations are looked after by us. Kept out of sight, on the far side of town so that sensitive little babies like you don’t have to see them, or become their lunch, and off I go, without a smile or a thank you, every night to find them something to chew on.
This fella back here? Nonce. They caught him in 4K, but those idiots at the police bungled the investigation, so he went free. Now, answer me this. Would you rather that he was fed to the ‘You Know Whats’ or yourself? Hmm?
Yeah, I thought so.
It’s not like I’m taking innocent little baristas to their doom. I told you, you lot are safe, and you’d do well to remember who keeps you safe.
My ancestors weren’t always so picky. They’d drag off the first person they found, kicking and screaming, but not me. I decided only to make meals of those who deserved it, and what do I get for my trouble? A black eye from this prick, and the side eye from you, so thanks very much.
I’ve a good mind to put in an official complaint with your head office.
Now, are you going to let me pay for this coffee, or not?
Honestly, I’m tired, and I’m hungry, and I’m oversharing so now I’m embarrassed… I thought it was just the nonce who ruined this harvest for me, but honestly, you have to take a share of the blame too.
I’m not saying you’re getting the blade… but I’m not NOT saying it, so hurry up with this coffee, before I do something that both of us will regret.
Sincerely, Jennifer x 