She, my sunlight, and my gravity, plunging the world into an endless, chaotic night when she went away. My only relief was those stolen moments where I could lose myself in my memories and feel close to her again.
I would tell her how much I missed her. I would tell her that I loved her. I would tell her that I’d give anything to have her back. I would tell her that I was sorry.
It made no difference.
I visited her grave every day. It was hard to believe that the world kept turning after my wife left me, but it did.
My life continued, but it felt like I wasn’t really present in it, except for those few moments in the graveyard, where I’d bring her white roses and tell her about my day.
At first, I promised myself I would only go once a week, but then it became twice. Three times. Four times. Eventually, it was every day after work, and finally, every day.
People were sympathetic at first, but after a few months, I think they got sick of me. I couldn’t move on, and I was a ghost, gliding through life with a glum face. I couldn’t help it, but that didn’t help my situation.
They couldn’t see the true depths of my pain. I’m sure that everybody feels like that when walking this lonely road, but I had never felt so alone.
They didn’t know what it was doing to me.
All day and all night, I was chased by shadows. My memories hunted and haunted me, and every now and again, I’d slip back into the grasp of her last night on Earth.
There was so much left to say. So many regrets. So much that I couldn’t face.
It’s too much to think about, even now. The hold on me never weakens, and my heart never stops breaking.
It’s easy to see why people couldn’t stick me. I was a downer to be around, but I was so depressed that I didn’t care.
All I cared about was six feet under the ground and covered in white roses, and I’d never see her again.
That’s what I thought, but I was wrong.
It began last night, when the moon was watching with nervous eyes. There was a tension in the air, surrounding the twinkling stars and seeping down into the whistling, whispering wind.
I was leaving the graveyard, but I felt uneasy. Winter is coming, so the nights get darker so much quicker, and I tried to tell myself that was all it was, rationalising the sounds of snapping twigs and shuffling leaves behind me as I headed towards the gate.
The dark night reminded me of her last moments, and my heart sank. I tried to forget, scratching my palms inside of my pockets but the memories made a mockery of me.
The only horror in my life was heartbreak. That’s what I kept telling myself. Not intentionally at first, but it slipped into my mind, and I found great comfort in it, so I allowed the thought to stay, going round and round as the gate of the graveyard loomed in the distance.
It should have been closer. I was walking towards it. I knew that I was, and yet… with every step, it didn’t seem any closer to me.
My mantra made its way around my mind, trying to shield me from the scene unfolding before me, but things took a strange turn, no matter how I tried to rationalise it.
Lightning split the dark sky, and thunder roared as rain rocketed down towards me. The grassy pathways became soaked, mired in mud that clung to my heels. I tried to walk faster, but each step sunk me further and further into the dark earth.
I was slipping away, lost in the furious night, and as I fell to the ground, helpless and hopeless, I saw her.
Not as she was, bright and beautiful, but gaunt, fragile and skeletal, her hair covered in splinters and earthworms.
I tried to scream, but there was no sound but the thunder’s deafening yell and the wind’s wicked whispers. She shuffled closer, her ring shining in the silvery moonlight as her arms, water logged and swollen, reached for me.
She snarled, her damp fingers curled as she locked eyes with me and my blood ran cold.
I shook my head, scrambling back, but so stuck in the mud that surrounded my shaking body. I slipped every second, as if the ground had a taste for my frightened flesh, and still, closer she came, her bright eyes, cloudy and half closed.
Despite the damage to her eyes, she could see right through me.
I had tried to make it up to her, and keep her company for her eternal rest, but it wasn’t enough.
She couldn’t understand my solemn promise, or my apologies. It made no difference to the beautiful girl, trapped in her wooden prison. All she could hear was her lover, free, after everything.
No amount of stunted conversation could make up for what I had done. I missed her, with all of my heart, and my pain was my punishment.
I suppose it just didn’t seem enough for her.
I walked the Earth, and though I gave her the small mercy of my company, she had grown to despise me. I could see it in her eyes.
Jealousy. Fury. Sadness.
Tears sprung from her eyes and snaked down her sallow cheeks as she grasped her hands around my neck and dragged me back towards her disturbed pile of dirt.
I didn’t fight. I knew my fate, and I cried too, as she shoved me down into the coffin and fell down after me.
The rabid rain continued to fall, pushing handfuls of mud down onto us as the night wore on, and by morning, we were buried.
That was how I died.
I tried not to make a fuss. She had been so brave when I had killed her. She had cried a little, holding onto me with a sorrowful sigh, the light fading from her eyes as I lost her.
It was just a moment. Something I couldn’t take back. A fight I won, but lost. The beginning of the end for us both, and so, I tried to honour her with a dignified silence as I slipped away under the soil.
Nobody will ever know what I did to her, I suppose. I will be forever remembered as a devoted wife, who went mad with grief. People might think it was romantic.
I hope that they do.
I couldn’t stand the shame of them knowing what I took from the world, just like I couldn’t stand being without her.
The pain was nothing, in the end. Just a journey. Just another thing to overcome, because soon, I was back in her arms, sleeping forever, as if we had never said goodbye.
Sincerely, Jennifer x 