I just didn’t want to be alone anymore. Nobody wants to be alone, do they? I suppose I’m no different to anybody else, but it seemed to consume me. I couldn’t handle it anymore, so I decided that I wouldn’t spend another day of my life by myself.
It had gone on so long. Sometimes, it felt like I was frozen in time, watching everyone else live their lives while I was trapped behind unbreakable glass, never able to find a way through to the world. I wanted love, friendship, even an acquaintance, just somebody to know that I was alive, to care, even, but despite living in the most connected time in history, I had nobody.
If I’d have asked anyone, they’d have told me how dangerous this was, but I didn’t ask. I had nobody to ask but even if I did, I couldn’t risk being talked out of it.
I went to the supermarket, filling my basket with fine wines, chocolate and matches. If the checkout assistant had taken any notice of me, he’d have been a little confused by my strange purchases, maybe even alarmed, but luckily for me, I went unnoticed.
As I walked home, I watched the moon the whole way. She peeked out from behind the silvery clouds, full and fantastical, glowing in the kind of way that made me wonder if she’d been waiting for me to finally pluck up the courage to take the step I’d been considering for all of my life.
I’d always wanted someone to share my life with, someone to belong to, and to care for, but it had never worked out. I started to think that I was cursed, but the truth is, I just had to be brave.
It takes so much strength to put yourself out there. I’d know. I’ve done it over and over, but this will be the last time.
I’ve tried love spells of all types, with absolutely no success. I’d tried capturing the interest of those that I fell for, demanding the one I desired, and then I’d humbled myself, handing over control to the fates, pleading with them to bring me whoever they saw fit, and I’d still come away with nothing.
I’ve tried friendship spells. Spells to improve my looks, to draw people in, to make myself popular. None of it worked, but now, I know why.
He was waiting for me. All of this time, I thought I was alone, but there he was, watching from a distance, waiting for me to make the first move.
I knew what I wanted, and this time, I was certain that the universe would not deny me.
I cleared out my living room, pushing the furniture back towards the walls and covered the floor with all the gifts I could gather. The wine, chocolates and candy, surrounded by candles, lit up in a circle, with me in the centre, knelt in the mix of candle and moonlight as I waited for the clock to strike 3AM.
I began to whisper his name, pouring a glass of wine as the wind began to howl through the open windows. He crept closer. I could feel him beside me as I pierced my finger with a silver blade, wincing as I held it above the wine, my pain soothed as I watched the blood drip down into the glass and glide to the bottom. I called out his name as thunder bellowed from outside and as lightning flashed around the room, and the flames of the candles began to quiver, I felt his hand on mine, and together, we gripped the glass, lifting it to his lips, and then mine, drinking as our eyes met.
“I’m lost.” I whispered, his dark eyes seemed to shine with some kind of sympathy, and he placed the glass down beside him, opening his arms with a smile and a sigh from his blackened, chapped lips. I fell into his embrace, warm among his icy arms as he ran his scaly hands up and down my back, a soft kiss falling to my forehead as I began to cry.
“I know the things you seek, but they come with a price.” He seemed almost sorry to remind me of the terms of the deal I intended to make, but it didn’t matter to me. Something about the softness of his approach let me know that it would be okay. “I always hoped you’d ask me, Georgia.” I felt a chill as he said my name, his hand closing around mine.
“Will it hurt?” He chuckled, brushing my hair from my eyes and gazing down into them, his dark stare, gentle in the moonlight.
“Not for you, no.” He lifted my hand to his lips, gently kissing each lonely finger as the knife found my other hand, nestling in the shaking palm as I stood. “The man across the hall doesn’t have long left anyway.” I nodded, watching him break apart a caramel digestive as he gestured towards the front door of my flat. “I’ll see you soon.” The door flew open, and I walked through, ready to pay my toll at the crossroads, and finally have a friend to call my own, for the rest of my human life, and the eternal damnation that came after.
It was just a choice I had to make. You understand, don’t you? Everyone makes choices, and everyone has pressures. I’m not a bad person. Soon, I won’t even be a person, so, I suppose it won’t matter.
I just didn’t want to be alone anymore.
Sincerely, Jennifer x 