Destiny, and Other Aquarian Things


Destiny, and Other Aquarian Things

Jennifer Juan


Confessions Of An Angsty Flyer



Affectionate Influenza

Destiny, and Other Aquarian Things




Pancakes and Orange Juice

Tea Tree

So What If I Was Slightly Drunk When I Wrote This?


Confessions Of An Angsty Flyer

I am in the sky,

the past is a passenger with me,

as I listen to our phone call,

from last Friday,

where I lied,

letting you think that I didn’t write,

with tears in my eyes,

about you.

Blue eyes,

that I knew,

were blue,

that I love,

even when I am miles away,

that I dream of every night,

that I hope to never lose.

I am not bandaged in time,

this time.

I am flying,

feeling my heart skip,

each time I hear your voice,

knowing I would need more bandages,

if I didn’t have a piece of you,

to keep me on the path away from you.

We live in the same state of fear,

and I am panicked by your sighs.

We were fighting on Friday,

I was vague and unhelpful,

because I didn’t know how to tell you,

that I wanted to be in your arms,

but I feared being there,

in case things weren’t the same,

as they were before Friday,

and before every other day,

when I slip,

close to a cliff edge,


distant and dreary,

wondering if this is the time that I lose you.

I am listening to our phone call,

from last Friday.

I assume you didn’t know I kept them,

but they are close to my heart,

and essential to me staying sane,

when I cannot be close to you.

You asked me what was on my mind.

I acted like I was fine,

and I know it was annoying,

and I know I’m not supposed to say I’m annoying,

but I was wondering,

yet again,

when it would be the last time,

I will be your hunnybee.

If you’ll love me,

a day,

a week,

a lifetime longer.

I was wondering,

when I would lose you,

because I can’t believe you’re mine.



Staring as you sleep,

at home in your embrace,

as I watch your eyelashes,

still and resting.

Most mornings,

I am overwhelmed,


as I burrow under the covers,

clinging to your chest,

annoyance that you earned,

by appearing in my life,

and making me fall in love with you.

I hold onto you,

and my heart lives in my eyes,

when we are close,

languishing as liquid,

reaching out,

falling down my cheeks,

trying to be closer to the one she loves.



You ask me,

where I’m going,

I say


and then I’m back,

my lips on yours.

I always come back,

but you always ask,

as if my lips aren’t marked,

with your initials.


Affectionate Influenza

You are still on my mind,

when I recline,

beneath the sheets,

abandoning the streets,

waiting for my heart

to arrive home,

so I am complete,

thoughts of the rest of the world,


thankful to feel my head,

so light,

my heart race,

bed bound,

with affectionate influenza,

waiting for my heart,

to arrive home,

to heal me.


Destiny, and Other Aquarian Things

When I was apart,

from your arms, I knew, at last

I belonged to them.



I can’t touch you,

because I’m so fragile,

and just a second in your arms would destroy me,

but there is nothing else that will fix me.



In the cold light of day,

when my cheeks are flushed,

full of rage,

when my body is weary,

unable to pretend to be perfect,

when the curtains are open,

covers off,

with nowhere to hide,

he loves me,




Coffee in the morning,

as i am tearful and unstable,

weeping underwater,

spending seventy per cent of my shower,

slumped against the wall,

wailing for you,

grateful you are on the other side of the door,

so you can’t hear me.


Pancakes and Orange Juice

All yours”

is lettered along my legs,

and inside my heart,

as rain falls,

on your freshly washed car.

Will you still love me tomorrow?”

is waiting on my lips,

playing on the radio,

playing on my mind,

and I think about how you played along,

when I read your horoscope aloud,

many times,

using my many apps,

and how you only teased me a little,

to be the typical Capricorn I know and love,

so that I’d remember to be reassured,

or, maybe just because,

that’s who you’ve always been.

You said you loved me this morning,

as I snuggled around you,

like the cats do,

and again,

just now,

when you handed me a cigarette,

with a sleepy smile,

standing beside me,

with the shopping,

to your left,


and my shy but devoted heart to your right.

We stand in silence,

as I write,

recalling the charm of your morning texts,

and the way you slept beside me last night,

on the side that felt uncomfortable,

just so we could be close,

and the way you held me this morning,

as I cried over nothing.

You are quiet,

and surprisingly patient,

as the rain continues,

and I take too long to smoke,

because you know I’m lost in my library,

finding things that will put my heart at ease,

and I recall that you went out,

when I was showering,

to fetch me breakfast,

saying you loved me,

with pancakes,

and orange juice.


Tea Tree

Tea tree tells me I’m nervous,

sitting on my face,

as I step back in the game.

I was raised by feminist wolves,

in the wilds of the world,

and I feel

I should be braver,


brighter in the face of danger,

but the tea tree,

like a concerned stranger,

seeing my frozen and unconscious stare,

into the mirror,


You’re worried about your skin”.

He told me,

I had pretty eyes,

my voice,

a volcano,



sultry syllables,

and yet,


my voice shakes,

eyes teary,

ears not open to criticism,

tea tree,

trembling on my shaking skin,

because fear is a four letter word,

and a constant state,

when you are in love,

and need to trust someone with your heart,

and your broken out skin.

The bus driver told me,

I was beautiful,

and I shyly smiled,

hoping you’d agree.


So What If I Was Slightly Drunk When I Wrote This?

Two ciders down,

and I am free from hell,

watching you,

singing American Pie,

as I drink in your eyes,

stolen from Satan,

forgetting the things that haunt me,

my body,

amazed atoms,

that explode and reform,

in the seat next to you,

as you drive,

and it’s like my life has begun again.

Windswept wishes,

as we smoke cigarettes,

to the sound of the sea,

driving past water,

that waits to become a waterfall,

and there is a brook that bubbles within me,

desire dripping from every second I spend with you.

We scale a mountain,

losing ourselves to love,

in the shadow of the lightning,

you are everywhere around me,

day to day,

but tonight,

on snow covered roads,

the warmth of the car,

the warmth of your arms,

my heart is still for a moment,

and then,

so full of life the next.

It becomes a cycle,

where I am in awe,

and in a frenzy,

for you,

again and again,

until we are apart,

and then,

I retreat to my reminders,

and my memories,

so I can be surrounded by thoughts of you,

until I am yours entirely again.

Deers drive beside us,

I have had two ciders,

and I am happier than I’ve ever been,

because your voice is a beacon,

bringing me out of my mind,

when I fall back in,

bringing me back to what my life could be,

if I am lucky enough to spend it with you.


© Jennifer Juan 2020