Sincerely, Jennifer x

March 12th 2023

Hello Mum,

I’m sorry if I seemed a bit out of sorts in that last letter. I’m fine, honestly. You don’t need to worry. 

I’m not worried. It’s all alright.

I just got a bit overexcited, that’s all. Came over a bit peculiar, but I’m fine. 

I’ve been drinking more water. 

I’ve tried to sleep. 

I’ve been feeling a bit sick, but I’m alright. 

I didn’t send the last letter, and maybe I won’t send this one, but I really wish you were here. 

Fancy that. A forty eight year old man, wishing for his Mum, like a little baby. 

I’ve never been a pansy Mum, you know that, but there’s something different right now. It’s like I’m a little boy again. I can’t sleep for more than an hour or so at a time, and I’m jumping at shadows as I head for my shift. 

Everyone says I’m just tired, and that I’ll be fine, but something doesn’t feel right. 

I’m trying to be fine. I’m really trying. 

I just tried now, did you see? 

He’s here Mum. Nobody can see him. I can’t see him, but I know. I can feel the heat of his hand over mine, scorching as he scolds me for its distance from the button. 

“Push the button, James.” 

It starts as a whisper, whipping around the room every now and again, and I try to forget, but it follows me, falling down on top of me, until it is everywhere, like the ocean that swallows up our little submarine, and I feel so small. 

Sometimes, it feels like everyone else disappears, and it’s just me and him. I can’t see him, but I can feel him. Everything feels so hot, like a blinding heat, and I can’t quite catch my breath. He starts whispering, and it just doesn’t stop, until he’s shouting. 

“Push the button, James.”

“Push the button, James.”

“Push the button, James.”

I wish I knew why he was here, or what he wanted with me. 

Who would really choose to push that button? 

I know that one day, it could be my duty, but it’s never something I’d want to do. 

All that destruction… the pain… the death. It would be the end of the world as we knew it, and it cannot be something that someone would actually want, but… he does. 

Mum, he wants it so badly. 

He says that it will be such a special thing. A beautiful thing. 

Will it be beautiful Mum? 

Will it be beautiful when we burn? 

James x