Sincerely, Jennifer x

March 14th 2023

I’m not a coward Mum, but I’ve got to do what’s right. 

That’s the only thing getting me through this. 

He says I’m a coward, but he’s wrong. I’m living in Hell, but I’m doing it for everyone back home, so that they can be safe. 

There are kids that need to grow up, and families who are depending on me. I never asked for this, but I will be the thing that stands between them and destruction. 

I won’t let him make me do this. 

I can’t do it Mum. I just can’t. 

I can’t push the button. 

The doctor looked a little concerned about the voice, when I told him, and even more concerned when I showed him that my hair was falling out and that I was bleeding out of… well, everywhere. He looked even more concerned as he patted me on the shoulder and told me that he couldn’t see any blood. 

He says that he can’t find any problems with my skin or anything either. According to him, I have a full head of luscious hair, even though I have clumps of it in my hands. 

It’s madness. 

It’s like I’m the only person on this sub with their bloody eyes open. 

He gave me a day of bed rest, I suppose because he thought I was cracking up, but that was cancelled within minutes, and I was ordered back to my post. 

I suppose it could be all in my head, but if it is, why am I in charge of nuclear warheads? 

Nothing makes sense anymore. I just spend my days staring at the button, staring it out, wishing it away. 

I don’t want to be here anymore Mum. I want to come home. 

He says I have to do it Mum. 

He says that I was born for it, but I don’t know what he means. 

I can’t make sense of anything, and I can’t stay here anymore. 

Am I going mad? 

James x