Sincerely, Jennifer x

March 16th 2023

He says that you want it too, Mum. 

Is this true? 

I dreamed of you last night. It felt so real that I thought I was awake. We were at the old maisonette, do you remember? On the Swallow estate, where we were housed after they knocked down the old place by the bridge. 

I always liked living there, just you and me. It wasn’t so bad, even though we didn’t have much. You used to say that I was the man of the house, and I always tried to be. I wanted to protect you, and keep you safe, but if you ask this of me, I don’t know how I can do that. 

I know that you don’t have anybody, and you’ll probably be at home when the siren goes off. 

You’ll have probably got up a bit early to feed the birds and watch the sun rise, like you always do, and it will all be over, before you’ve even noticed. 

You won’t understand. You won’t have anyone there to look after you. I can’t get to you Mum, so I don’t understand why you asked me. 

It was so dark, but I could recognise the living room. The sky outside was bleak and black, and the wind howled like a banshee.

I saw you in your old chair, nodding and smiling as the phantom forced the words from your lips.

“Push the button, James.”

Blood cascaded from your mouth, catching in your throat as you fell from the chair and coated the carpet. It bubbled as the heat droned, suffocating us all, and we choked together, as his laughter rang out. 

You can’t want this, can you? 

He says that it would make you proud, but I can’t. You understand, don’t you Mum? I just can’t.

Your skin is going to crackle Mum. Burnt and blistered. White light, like the sun as the song of the alarm surrounds you. 

Three minutes. 

You’ll bleed, and you’ll bleed. Everything will ache. He’s shown me. God, the pain. It’s like your skin is bubbling and bending, like your whole body is trying to escape from itself. Something so unholy will find a way into you, and your body will beg for a way out. 

Two minutes.

The sickness will seep into everywhere, until there’s nothing of you. All your pretty red hair will fly away in the wind, and there will be nothing left. 

One minute. 

I can’t stop it Mum. 

There isn’t another way. I’m trying, with everything I have, but I just know that you will burn. You’ll all burn, and there will be nothing left. 

He told me so. 

You want to burn, don’t you? 

I can feel it. I can hear it. It’s so deep underneath my skin that I think it might be burrowed into my bones. 

I don’t know why, but it’s like the whole world is begging me to push the button. 

I’m the only hold out. 

I’m the one who won’t have fun. Silly, cowardly, no fun, no smiles James. 

Never had a friend in the world, too shy to meet a woman, only has his Mum to write home to James. 

Never amounted to anything beyond his stupid medals and rank, never going to be remembered for anything of note, no kids, no hopes, no holidays during his time off James. 

Could be saving the world James?

Could be remembered for resisting James?  

Maybe nobody will ever know, but I will know, if I’m strong. 

Stop yourself James.

That’s all me. I’m the only one who can stop this. It’s never you. I see you in the shadows, softly smiling, with pleading, eager eyes. 

You want to burn, don’t you? 

Oh Mum. You don’t want this, do you? 

Why do you want this? 

He’s trying to trick me. It’s a trick and a trap, and I can’t fall for it, but this is so hard to resist. 

It never stops. It never ends. 

It can’t be real, can it? 

You don’t want this, do you? 

Please tell me that I can be more than this. Please tell me that I can save you. 

The other officers have opened the safes, and everything is authorised. There all waiting for me. They’re watching me Mum. I’m sitting here with one hand above the button, and one hand writing this letter, and I can feel their eyes on me. 

They’re burning too, Mum. They’re all burning, like me. Collapsing as the sea seems to take us down, throwing up like new recruits, crying, screaming and scorching, but they are all waiting. 

He says that I’ll finally be somebody if I push the button, but if I do, then you, and half the country will be nobody, just ashes and shadows on broken, battered doors. 

Please tell me that I can stop myself. 

Please tell me that my hand won’t move one more inch. 

Please let me be free. 

James x