Sincerely, Jennifer x

Four cups of decaffeinated tea. Some ironing. Toast with butter and jam. Lavender. A glass of warm milk. Eastenders. A double malibu and coke. Six cigarettes. Eight levels of Sonic. A documentary on dinosaurs. Three gin and tonics. More lavender, all over my fucking clothes, all over my fucking bed, all over the fucking floor, all over my fucking body.

It doesn’t help.

Nothing helps.

I can’t get rid of him.

I am driven insane by my obligation, and it’s become bigger than me, and you, and all of us. I can see him staring from across the room and he is so insistent.

Sometimes with his eyes, sometimes with hers, sometimes with mine, sometimes with yours.

I can’t sleep.

He won’t let me sleep. I’ve told you this. He won’t let me sleep until you help me.

The snotty receptionist barely looked at me as she told me that you were expecting me.

You’re always expecting me. I know that. I’ve been here every day for weeks, but that stuck up cow behind her little desk doesn’t have to get an attitude about it.

I’m polite. I don’t scream and shout. I just pop in every day to see if she’s sorted something out for me. I try to tell you about it, but you won’t listen, so I just tell you about how I can’t sleep. You listen, but you don’t hear.

You were snotty with me too. I just walked in and asked if she had anything for me. It’s not like I needed a full appointment, and she was practically done with his last patient anyway.

I didn’t hear much of their discussion, so what was the harm in it? I just wanted a quick word.

It’s always on my mind. His name is written on my eyelids, my hands and my soul. I think about him all the time. I think about you all the time, too, Doctor.

My instructions are simple, but I’ve stopped myself, for you.

I’ve tried to tell you, but it’s like you can’t hear me.

We’re running out of time Doctor.

I know that I’m asking a lot, but it’s not really me asking. I’m just a vessel. A tired, broken vessel. I’m just here to ask you to do your part.

I burst into the consultation room. I understand everyone was surprised to see me, but I didn’t mean any harm.

I didn’t scream and shout. I just knocked, went in, and asked if there was any news for me.

I wasn’t going to do anything. I’m struggling to stand, I’m so tired, so I’m hardly a threat.

The poor old dear across the desk still got herself all upset though, sobbing and running from the room, leaving you to tut at me and remind me of the “patient behavioural code”.

You’re a bitch, Doctor, but I need you.

I’d like to say I woke up and felt terrible this morning, but I didn’t. I didn’t exactly wake up, I just happened to get out of bed.

I don’t do much sleeping. You know that, of course, don’t you? I’ve told you. I tell you all the time. Every day, in our little morning meetings, we sit together, in your office, across from each other, separated by an ocean of wood, staples and prescriptions.

It’s shit, isn’t it? You are the only one I’m close to. You’re the only constant in my life, and I still call you Doctor. I’m just trying to be nice and respectful.

It’s quite intimate really. We’re oceans apart but you know all my secrets. You know what’s going on in my head, you just won’t tell me what it is. I know that you know. You play pretend. You send me for tests. You shrug your slender, sweet shoulders and purse your pretty, painted lips, but I know that you know why it sent me to you.

Every morning, I feel like I could reach across and lazily kiss you. Running my tired fingers along every sleepy line on your face. Cuddling into the arms of your constant lavender shirts and falling into a deep and much needed sleep.

I didn’t, just as I never do, so this morning was just like any other.

It was the afternoon that got interesting.

I waited for you, outside, in the parking area.

Something in your sleepy eyes told me to.

I bet you don’t sleep much either. Not since your wife left you. It’s terrible, and so soon after Christmas… I wonder how you manage.

Do you lie awake at night like I do? Do you end up covered in lavender and choking on your pills too?

Do you think about me?

I think about you. I think about you constantly in my waking hours, because I know you’re the only one who can help me.

You could be my hero, you know. If only you’d be a little more forthcoming. A little bit nicer. Do you think you could?

I think you could, with a little persuasion. A little more understanding, a little less sleep.

It was freezing out there, my coat wasn’t much good, but there’s a cost of living crisis, so I’m not really in a position to get a better one.

It gets dark so much later now, isn’t that strange? I had to wait for bloody hours, but eventually, we were together again.

You had so much paperwork to do. Stayed so late. I suppose you’ve got nothing to go home to. Nobody to realise that you didn’t make it home.

I’m sure you didn’t see me in the dark, but that’s okay, because I saw you.

I saw you walking to your car. It’s a very nice car. Must have cost you a lot of money. I don’t know a lot about cars to be honest with you, maybe you could tell me, wouldn’t that be nice?

You know, I like the way your hair falls across your tired eyes when you’re worn out. Mine does that too. Don’t we have so much in common?

You keep struggling like the ropes are about to break, and I have to say. I’m a little worried about our arrangement.

I didn’t go to all this trouble of getting you here, tying you up, and getting everything ready if there’s nothing of value in that little head of yours.

You’re not an idiot, are you Doctor? I suppose not. They don’t let idiots become Doctors, right?

So that means… there’s lots of cleverness in that big brain of yours, and somewhere inside of it has to be my cure.

You keep saying that you can’t help me but I know that you can.

If you can’t, then there’s no hope for me. Jim told me that you’d help me. The world depends on you and me figuring this out. My life depends on you and me figuring this out.

You die, if you don’t sleep. Did you know that Doctor? You just die, in the end.

I’m not dying, Doctor.

Put a smile on your face, stop whinging about those superficial knife wounds and just give me some bloody ideas!

Just tell me what you dosed me with. This all started with you. I just needed something for the nights I couldn’t sleep, and you presented me with a miracle drug, except now, I’m awake all the time.

Explain that!

You cry and you cry and you cry but you don’t know real pain, darling.

I’m knackered.

It all hurts. Every single inch of my exhausted body is screaming and crying everyday, but you’re sitting there, all demure, with your gentle weeping, as if you understand.

You’ve been holding out on me, haven’t you?

Somewhere in that brain of yours, you know how to help me, but you won’t spill the beans.

You know how to make it stop.

You know how to save them all.

I told you! I bloody told you! I’ve got one more day before he starts to spill blood. Do you get it? I’ve been telling you for weeks. He will tear this whole world apart if I don’t get some shut eye. I can’t stop him. I’ve tried. You’re the only one left who can help me.

I’m knackered, Doctor, but not too knackered to do what I have to.

Do you understand what I’m saying?

If you don’t give me the info I need, I’ll just have to open you up and scoop it out myself. If I don’t, they’re all going to die.

Do you understand?

Tell me how to stop him.

I’m all that’s standing between us and oblivion. I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks. It won’t let me sleep. He won’t let me sleep.

Jim told me to find you, and you’d sort me out but you won’t do your part.

Stop bloody crying! It’s not like I want this!

I used to be alright. Do you remember? I’ve been on your books for years but it’s never been like this. A couple of missed nights here and there but it’s never been like this. I try to sleep, but I just… can’t. I just lay there, at his mercy.

You did this. You gave me your pills. You told me they would help.

I don’t want to look but he makes me. My eyes just won’t close. I can’t make it go away. I can’t drown it out or escape. All I can do is watch.

He watches me watching, and he shows me everything that you did. All those poor souls… still locked up in your lab, but that thing… It got out and it found me.

How many of these pills have you given out Doctor? How many more people are like me? How many people has he found?

They want you back Doctor Mason. You left him and the others on the loose, and they made a right mess of all the people you left at its mercy. They want more. They want you to go back and feed them.

Jim wasn’t alone, you know. He’s made friends. It’s all overrun.

I tried to tell you. I tried to work out another way, but now it’s too late.

I’m not dying for you, but you’ll die for me.

Jim’s been here the whole time and you didn’t know. If only you’d have listened.

You left the gate open and now you’re going to close it.

I just needed you to help me sleep.