A Letter To My Fifteen Year Old Self

Hey,

It’s me, or rather, you, from the future. Put down the star trek fan fiction, we need to talk. I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, you having fuller lips won’t be as bad as you think. Sure, you get made fun of it for now, but in about ten years, it will be fashionable, and both men and women will pay tons of money for surgery and lip glosses that promise the plump pout you are currently embarrassed of. I mean, it will be favoured on white women over you, but it’s something.

Don’t bother fucking about with your eyebrows either, because it isn’t worth the effort. Thicker brows will be fashionable too, and let’s be real, you can’t handle pain, so waxing, plucking or threading really will never be an option for us. Now I’ve typed all that, I’m concerned that they may be out again. Luckily for you, you learn, over time, not to care anyway. They’re just eyebrows.

Onto some bad news, but with a hint of good news. You will never “grow into your nose”, and you won’t learn how to contour it away either. However, you will one day learn to accept that your face would completely change if it was different, and that is a reminder of your heritage, and you will realise the importance of keeping your past close to you, because it’s a lonely, fucked up world, and sometimes, all you will have is yourself, so it will be comforting to be able to remember where you came from. You are a concoction of so many different places and people, and that is something to be proud of, so don’t be ashamed that you look different, because that’s fine.

You’ve spent your whole life feeling like you didn’t fit in, and a lot of people around you contributed to that. A lot of kids picked on you, and called you weird or ugly. Some were even racist, which is fucked up and you’ll probably still think about it for a long time, but don’t hold onto your anger for them. It doesn’t help you, and it won’t change them. You are responsible for you. You can’t make everyone good. You survived, and that’s all that matters. Maybe they grew up to be better people by themselves, maybe they didn’t, I don’t know, because I’m busy doing my own thing, but I wish I (or you), had learned to do that sooner.

2017, which is where I am now, is going to be weird as fuck, and you should prepare for that as best you can. You’ve seen some pretty weird and fucked up things already, so I wish I didn’t have to tell you it gets worse, but I do, and I’m sorry about that. It turns out you were right about Tony Blair, but you were wrong about Kevin Spacey. You were very, very wrong about Kevin Spacey. You will discover that sometimes, evil can be hidden by nice things, and nice gestures, and a nice face, and you will never stop being astounded and disgusted by it. You will never really learn to be aloof or unsurprised by supposedly good people turning out to be awful, but maybe that’s a good thing. You were also wrong about Seamus Heaney, but he isn’t a sex offender like Kevin Spacey (probably should have mentioned that in more detail earlier, sorry), he’s just a better writer than your jealous teenage self was willing to acknowledge, and at some point, you will find it within yourself to admit that you only dislike him because he has a nobel prize, and you don’t (yet). There is still time for you, and you don’t have to dislike people because they have achieved things you haven’t, especially when you are literally still in school, and haven’t even finished your exams. He’s 53 years older than you, so it is to be expected that he will achieve things you want, before you do. Give yourself a chance to grow, and you’ll do all those things too. With this in mind, you can also stop hating about 45% of celebrities and public figures that you don’t like, because the same thing applies. You have plenty of time to collect trophies, sign books and perform.

On the bright side, there will be a new Star Trek series, with a black female lead, and a better chance of not being cancelled like enterprise, but to enjoy that, you first have to endure a Tory government, leaving the European Union, and an absolute bastard being the president of the US.

I probably should have done those one at a time, but it’s important that you understand something. Many of those things happened because of voter apathy, and I know that right now, you’re super hype for politics and desperate to vote, but in about three years, that enthusiasm will die, and one man is responsible. When you were (or are) eighteen, you will vote for the liberal democrats, because Nick Clegg makes a lot of promises. Nick Clegg will then form a coalition with the conservatives and the effects will be devastating to the country, and to you too. It will break your heart. You will lose complete faith in politicians, and it will take a long time to get it back. You get your groove back after seeing Nicola Sturgeon in a debate during the 2015 election, and will reluctantly return to the Labour roots you were raised on, because it’s the closest thing to the SNP in England (I mean, it isn’t really, but it’s the best you can do), so if we ever get a chance to do 2010 again, save yourself some heartache and just vote labour or green. It doesn’t actually matter how you vote really, in the bigger picture, because you’re registered to vote in a safe Tory seat, but it might make you personally feel better. The moral of that story is, people might let you down, specifically politicians, but not all of them are the same and many of them do want to help. Don’t give up and definitely use your vote, and encourage others to do the same, no matter how annoying it makes you feel, because people not voting led to most of 2017.

Speaking of men in 2010 who will break your heart, there will be a man that you meet on a tube train, on New Year’s Eve, he will make lots of promises and tell you so many nice things, but he will ruin your life for about two years, and to be completely honest, you’ll still be slightly broken in 2017, and maybe further on, I don’t know yet, so again, if we get the chance to do 2010 again, don’t talk to anyone on the tube. It’s frowned on anyway, regardless of how Northern your upbringing was. Keep your mouth shut and read a book in uncomfortable silence, like everyone else.

Back to how fucked up 2017 is. You will be devastated by the result of the EU referendum, and will briefly consider desperately attempting to get Spanish citizenship and leaving the UK forever. I don’t know if the UK will actually leave now, because it’s currently a bit of a clusterfuck, but whatever happens, you will be okay, and the UK isn’t so bad (at least, some parts of it, anyway). Please remember to speak English in public at all times, for your own safety, because some people will go nuts and be unrelentingly xenophobic after the referendum, but keep to yourself, and don’t talk to strangers, especially in Spanish, and you’ll probably be fine. You will have to stop pretending not to speak English to avoid gross men, as this could get you into way more trouble than before, and you may feel like this place isn’t your home anymore, but there are places where you will still feel like you belong, so hold onto that.

Donald Trump becomes president. This doesn’t directly effect you all that much, but you will hate it all the same. For a while, you will feel there is no good left in the world, but there is, I promise. You just have to look harder to find it, these days. Oh, and you will later discover that he, like many people in 2017, is the absolute fucking worst, and you will no longer feel guilty about your angry blog posts about him taking up space at Wrestlemania.

You won’t be a Broadway star, like you wanted, not in 2017 anyway, but weirdly enough, Broadway World, a website where you spent most of your childhood, writes an article about one of your books this year, so that’s a nice consolation prize. You will go to university, though, like you wanted, and you’ll be a writer, which you’re just getting interested in now as I remember. You also dip back into music, and a song you compose gets thousands of streams on Spotify. I’m aware you don’t know what that means yet, or what Spotify is, but basically, thousands of people hear your music, and that’s pretty fucking cool. It’s like music downloads, except you will get way less money in royalties, so we aren’t exactly living fancy yet, but I’m working on it.

You are currently sad. I remember it so well, and I wish I could tell you that everything magically gets better, but it doesn’t. You’ll later be diagnosed with depression, and you’ll be resistant as fuck to it, because you’re used to helping the people around you with their own stuff, and it will be hard to accept that you need help to, but take it, because it doesn’t make you weak.

Depression isn’t your only problem. I know this is all pretty bleak, and I’ll stick more goodness in this soon, but I’m just writing it as it comes. You will go through many things that will make you question who you are, and will make you feel like life isn’t worth it, this will of course not be helped by the depression you are not yet currently aware that you have, but even without depression, it’s a lot to go through. You survive. That’s all I can promise. I can’t tell you it won’t hurt, but I can tell you that you survive.

Your handwriting never gets any better, by the way, but you have a very impressive typing speed, so stop worrying about that. You will barely write by hand once you leave sixth form anyway, and you will have the convenient excuse of never writing by hand, because you want to save the planet from deforestation. To be real, though, I think people are aware that you’re just really bad at writing by hand, but many people you meet are too polite to say so.

Right now, you think you’re very smart and mature, because you listen to radio 4, and read the Guardian, but you still have lots to learn, and realistically, you’re a very young fifteen, at least emotionally. I really wish we got a second shot at 2010, or any of the years actually, because there is so much we could do differently. There is so much you didn’t know, and so much that I can’t protect you from, that still haunts me to this day, but realistically, I can’t. We can’t. All that we can do is be thankful that we made it this far, and keep going.

Your survival is all that matters. Things will be tough. Things will be devastating. You will get your heart broken (no bones though, so we still hold that record), you will be disappointed, you will feel like a failure, but you will live on and you will feel joy, and passion, and pride, and you will survive.

Whatever happens, keep fucking going. You may not get exactly what you want, and things might feel hopeless some days, but you survive, and that’s all you can do sometimes.

As I write this right now, you are happyish. Things are okay. You’re currently waiting for your new music video to process through editing software, and trying to pass the time, by saying hello to the girl you once were. You had a decent night of sleep last night, despite being caught in traffic for ages. You look a bit of a mess because you didn’t put on make up this morning, but you’re still cute, and most importantly, you are still fucking here.

Besos,

J x

PS. You don’t learn to swear less, and around 2012, you stop putting it on your new year’s resolution list, because it just isn’t fucking realistic. Sorry.


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MYSIGN: The Elements

Mysign- the elementssneak peak jennifer juan

Hola amigos!

Today, I’m very excited to share something from one of my favourite make up brands with you. I discovered MYSIGN, after receiving one of their Aquarius Eye Wheels for Christmas in 2016. I’ve always been fascinated by astrology, and currently have an entire folder full of astrology related apps on my phone, so make up products based on my star sign were the ideal gift for me (Thanks Mum!) and I fell in love with their products right away.

MYSIGN has a new collection on the way, and I couldn’t be more excited. Launching on November 22nd 2017 is the latest collection “The Elements”, comprised of four unique eyeshadow palettes, will bring together three signs by element and celebrate the spirit, personality and style of each sign.

krista-hm

Krista Madden. Quite possibly the hardest working Capricorn you’ll ever meet.

 

MYSIGN is a brand created by one of the most innovative women in modern media, Krista Madden, in collaboration with one of the biggest names in UK beauty Makeup Revolution. Krista is not only behind one of the hottest new make up collections, but is also the founder of one of the first and longest running female focused websites BeautyandtheDirt.com, as well as founding one of the leading agencies for bloggers and vloggers, Handpicked Media. She certainly lives up to the reputation of hardworking Capricorns!

The palette is excellent value, at only £6 for 15 shades, and has a variety of colours to display the signature traits of each element. Combining cool, ethereal shades with deep and dark shades gives enough shades for a variety of looks, and adds to the value of the palette. The shadows are vibrant and long lasting, with easy application and shades for every look and occasion. As with the previous MYSIGN collection, and all collections made in collaboration with Makeup Revolution, the palette is cruelty free, and has not been tested on animals, nor does it contain any animal products, so it is completely safe for vegans.

 

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All the colours you need to set the spirit of your star sign free.

 

I’m an Aquarius, which I, as a creator, am so grateful for. I know some people are sceptical, but I really do see traits of my sign in my personality. I’m not always great with following the rules, I like to think I’m very forward thinking, I can be a little withdrawn, and some people can see me as a little “out there”. It would not be unfair, to be real, to suspect that I am perhaps an alien. I like to think that if I was one (surely I’d have figured that out by now, but you never know), that I’d be like Mork from Mork and Mindy, as opposed to Alien, from, well, Alien. My planetary status aside, one thing is for sure, I’m definitely a proud Aquarius, and it’s something I’m always willing to celebrate, which is part of why I love MYSIGN so much.

Now, you guys know I am no expert in make up, but the great thing about the palette, is that it allows for exploration, and learning. There is a great combination of matte and metallic shades to dive into, and I found it very easy to unleash my creativity, and create a look that displayed my individuality. I experimented with the silvery greys, a little blue and pink to create a dramatic and otherworldly look that I feel really represents the futuristic and unusual aspect of my sign.

I also used a little silver on top of my lipstick (Marshmallow – Colourpop), to help it shine a little brighter.

jennifer juan 5.jpg

“I came here from outer space, a planet called 808.” – Legendary icon and mother to everyone who asks, RuPaul

Overall, this is a great addition to the existing products that MYSIGN offers, and is a great sign of the brand’s ambition and their commitment to creating products that speak to our spiritual side. Along with the upcoming fragrance line to accompany the eye and lip products, a look that is astrologically tailored to you is no longer a fantasy, and is affordable too.

You can find the AIR palette, as well as FIRE, EARTH and WATER at TAMBeauty from November 22nd 2017, and in store at Superdrug from January 3rd 2018, for an incredible £6 each. You can also shop the original collection at TAMBeauty and discover more about the collections, as well as getting all the details on your sign, and horoscopes for the future at the MYSign website.

I hope you enjoyed exploring this gorgeous new palette with me, and I’ll see you again soon!

Besos,

J x


*Disclaimer* I was generously provided with the above palette but all thoughts, opinions, research and photographs are my own.

Order “Stormy Weather” here

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Drowning In Us Trailer

Hola amigos,

I hope the cold weather isn’t too bad where you are.

As you know, for the last few years, I’ve been working on a very special project. It has been a long process and it has gone through a lot of changes, but I have some further details on it that I can share with you.

The project will be a story that is told through various mediums, and will include a book of short stories and poetry, an album of music inspired by the story, and a film.

You can check out the film trailer below, and I can’t wait for you to see more of the project next year!

I really hope that Marina and Grant’s love story will be something you enjoy.

Besos,

J x


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It’s Time To Talk About EVE (Because Many People In The Wrestling Industry Won’t).

Everybody is talking about EVE lately. Absolutely everyone! That is… except for wrestling media, you know, the people who are literally employed to talk about wrestling. It’s undeniable that EVE have been opened to whole new audiences through literal months of mainstream exposure. Mainstream reporters can’t get enough of them (I don’t blame them), and it seems like every week, EVE is covered in a new article, or they’ve sold out another show (so much for “women don’t sell tickets”) or one of their talents has had huge success. Now, Buzzfeed, The BBC, and Kate Fucking Nash are talking about EVE, so why are they still treated like Billy Lenz from Black Christmas (unrelated but please watch this classic movie, amen), when they’re doing so well?

Let’s have a look at some possibilities…

  1. Could it be that EVE is a female centric promotion? 

Possibly. Acknowledging the success and mainstream attention that EVE have received over the last few months involves acknowledging that women are entirely responsible for this, and you’d have to be delusional to think that there aren’t still some in the wrestling media who have a problem with this.

In terms of content, EVE are undeniably a feminist group, and it could be argued that some in the wrestling media want a women’s revolution, but don’t want one that takes the narrative from men, and centres the revolution around women lifting themselves and others from the shadows, and taking opportunities, instead of a man being generous enough to give them that new platform. If you look at WWE’s alleged women’s revolution, for example, the majority of content produced has made sure to give special thanks to Triple H, as if he did something incredibly generous by allowing women more than two minutes per match on NXT. Not to be harsh, but men really shouldn’t be applauded for investing time and resources equally for their talents. Triple H didn’t do anything amazing, he just did what he, and others in his position, should have been doing for a long time.

EVE is very clear that their revolution, which happened several years ahead of many current attempts, is by women and for women, and it’s very easy to see why some of wrestling media could be intimidated by that fact.

2.  Is it because EVE is determined to make women feel welcome in wrestling? 

I don’t want to hear “not all men!” I know that it isn’t all men. I’m very aware. However, you would have to be either a liar or delusional to say that there isn’t a huge problem with the treatment of women, predominantly by men, in both the wrestling industry and the wrestling fandom.

Female talents are often harassed, some are even abused, and the same is true for female fans. Women in wrestling are often made to feel like they don’t belong, and that if they are allowed to belong, it’s only because “They’re not like the other girls. They’re one of the boys.” A woman, more often than not, can either belong, under certain conditions, or be isolated. EVE say “Fuck no” to that.

Not only do their shows give a platform for women across the wrestling industry to showcase their talent, but their shows give a safe space for women to enjoy wrestling. I know that people are sick of the phrase “safe space”, but honestly, I think we are sick of requiring safe spaces. I don’t think I’ve met a female wrestling fan, or female wrestler who doesn’t have at least one story of being verbally attacked, sexually harassed and even sexually assaulted at a wrestling event. It isn’t enough to say “We won’t put up with it”, when this happens. It is time to say actually show this, by kicking troublemakers out of shows, making sure fans and talent are heard when they have an issue, and generally, making your show a place where people feel safe, which is something EVE do, but many other promotions are failing at, when it really isn’t that hard.

EVE have been vocal in support for abuse survivors, and have made it clear that they will do all they can to make all of their fans and talent feel safe, and they don’t just tweet about it and then ignore their duties, they actually stick to it. Many promotions will talk a good game about making their shows safe, but will still book abusers, and will either ignore fan criticism, or get overly defensive about what is actually a fair point, EVE is not only not doing that, but they’re calling out places that do.

3. Is it because EVE are giving too many women ideas?

I know, this one sounds a bit out there, but hear me out. As I mentioned earlier, there seems to be a great desire, in the wrestling industry, and in many wrestling media outlets to roll with the idea that Triple H, Patron Saint Of Women’s Wrestling, and his wife Stephanie “Philanthropy is the future of marketing, it’s the way brands are going to win” McMahon blessed us with the women’s revolution, and basically invented women’s wrestling, and they absolutely did it because they love us, and not because they could clearly see they were losing money from women’s wrestling fans who were migrating to promotions that gave a shit about women. This is, of course, not true. Stephanie McMahon’s husband, as important to women’s wrestling as he may be marketed, did not in fact, invent or even popularise women’s wrestling. Women’s wrestling has always been there. This revisionist history is to remove the narrative of women doing great things, and to replace it with the narrative of men being nice enough to encourage women to do nice things, but only certain women.

EVE, at it’s core, removes the second narrative all together. It is literally women, saying to other women, “You got this. We got this.”

I remember, from my own misadventures in wrestling, meeting EVE’s poster lady, Rhia O’Reilly, and instantly feeling so welcomed and supported by her. She was somebody who constantly encouraged me, even when I must have been incredibly frustrating to work with, and she never gave up on me. Now, I may not have become the cool wrestler I dreamed of, but I became one hell of a manager, and I would throw a lot of credit for that to Rhia, and women like her, many of whom are a part of EVE, for seeing a girl who was clearly overwhelmed and intimidated, and giving her the confidence to go for it. Sometimes, all that is needed is the simple message of “You belong here too. Please stay.” to keep someone from turning away from something they love, and EVE have done this for countless women, both in the industry and the fandom.

Now, imagine if, with the encouragement of a loud and proud, feminist wrestling promotion, more women took this encouragement and applied it to other aspects of wrestling. Currently, many women don’t find success in wrestling outlets, such as magazines, youtube channels and podcasts, because of the abuse women in those positions face, but what if they had a promotion… like, a female promotion, that backed them 100%, offered encouragement and happily supported women across the wrestling media.

I mean, if I was a fragile misogynist, EVE would scare the shit out of me too.

Find out more about EVE by visiting their website.

Besos,

J x


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The best and worst of Horror on UK Netflix

Hola amigos!

As usual, I’ve been watching many diabolical things, in an attempt to discover something that frightens me more than the prospect of Brexit, and my streaming service of choice is Netflix. Netflix has a lot to offer, but tends to lack a lot of key horror titles, but I’m here to take you through some of the best horrors I could find, and some that you’re better off avoiding.


The Best

The Invitation

The_Invitation_(2015_film)_POSTER

A very convincing argument for never speaking to your ex again.

The Invitation is what I will show anyone that tries to convince me that my policy of completely erasing exes from my life is self destructive. Our hero, Will arrives at his gorgeous former home with his new girlfriend, for dinner with his ex wife. It is quickly revealed that the pain of their young son’s death caused Will and his wife to divorce.

Of course, people handle things in different ways, and at different paces, and to the rest of the world, Will’s ex wife Eden seems to be moving forward in her life, but underneath her smile and equally smiley husband (a sure sign that something is wrong in horror, would be an abundance of smiling) lies a very dark truth to how Eden has recovered so well.

Without spoiling too much (I know, I always do that!), The Invitation really looks at the idea of whether we as people are every truly capable of knowing each other, and knowing the true capabilities of those around us, as well as giving a definitive answer to whether the past really should remain in the past (brief spoiler alert, it definitely should).

Black Mirror

black mirror jennifer juan

The future is bright, but it scares the shit out of me.

Now, some wouldn’t consider Black Mirror to be horror, but I personally would. Perhaps not all of it is horrific (San Junipero says hello, and I’m crying all over again), but there are many horror aspects, and so one could argue it is a horror anthology, and, well, I am.

One of the most frightening parts of Black Mirror is coming face to face with how truly awful we have the potential to be. Why fear ghosts and creatures when monsters are walking past us every day, right? Charlie Brooker has succeeded in showing the reality of every day life and human nature, and how it can lead to chaos, destruction, and unfortunate pig related incidents.

I’d personally say that my favourite episodes were “National Anthem” and “Playtest” but I’ve never finished an episode and felt unsatisfied, so I’m sure you’ll enjoy them all.

Shutter

Shutter08poster jennifer juan

More trouble with exes..

Now, I’ve been very vocal about how disappointing western remakes of eastern horror can be (Death Note, I’m looking at you), but Shutter is definitely one of the better ones.

As Ben and his new wife Jane travel to Tokyo to start their new life as a married couple, they think nothing could go wrong. This is a horror movie, and so, of course, they are wrong. The trouble begins when Jane hits a girl with their car, and the girl vanishes without a trace.

They try, as people in horror movies often do, to forget about the situation and move on with their lives, but of course, that just isn’t going to happen, as Ben’s photographs begin to show signs of spirit photography, leading Jane to begin unravelling the mystery of Megumi Tanaka, and the horrific truth of her connection to the newlyweds.

As mentioned, it is one of the better adaptations of an eastern horror, and will certainly deliver more scares with less lazy crossover writing than some of it’s peers.

The Mist

The_Mist_title_card jennifer juan

Dreams, after all, are insubstantial things, like mist itself.

With the recent release of It, many of us will be looking for something Stephen King related to continue the scares after watching, and The Mist is the perfect option. The movie adaptation is a favourite among many horror fans, for it’s terrifying visuals, and breathtakingly bleak ending, and the television series does a great job of continuing the universe of King’s original story.

I must admit, I was hesitant to begin watching the show, as The Mist genuinely troubled me when I watched it, many years ago, on Sky Movies, when my mum was out of the house and couldn’t stop me, but I’m very glad that I put my self inflicted childhood trauma aside and gave it a chance.

With an impressive cast, and the opportunity to delve further into the story than the movie adaptation, it is definitely an enjoyable show for fans of Stephen King, and honestly, anybody else.


The Worst

Unfriended

Unfriended_2015_teaser_poster jennifer juan

Please, little girl, take this lollipop…

Unfriended was an ambitious idea, and so I will give them credit for that. Focusing the entire audience perspective on social media is certainly original, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it was the right step. I applaud the originality but I feel the movie relied on that gimmick too much, and didn’t give proper attention to character development.

One of the key things with horror, is creating characters that people care about. If you I don’t care about the characters, why should I care when they die, or get damned to hell, or eaten, or whatever you’re doing to them. One of the curses of modern horror is reliance on jump scares or quirky gimmicks, to cover up that a story doesn’t make sense, or the characters are poorly developed, and Unfriended is definitely guilty of that.

I suppose the message of “Don’t cyber bully” is nice to see in a mainstream movie, but I couldn’t really get past how weak the writing was, and so the message was lost, for me.

The Green Inferno

The_Green_Inferno_poster jennifer juan

We get it, Eli, you’re really edgy.

If you’re ready for more poorly developed, unlikable characters, then you may enjoy The Green Inferno.

Now, as many of you may know, I am not the biggest fan of Eli Roth (although, I did think Hostel was great), and so perhaps I’m being a bit harsh, but honestly, for someone who is hailed as one of the brightest stars in the horror genre, I expect better, and The Green Inferno was a massive disappointment.

I’ve mentioned this before, but one of the most annoying parts of The Green Inferno, for me, was the mess of messages for the audience. It was so difficult to pin down who I was supposed to sympathise with, or if I was even supposed to care at all. A lot of the time, it felt like it tried to emulate the message of Cannibal Holocaust (We think that indigenous people are savages, but WE are the savages), but they also shoved a whole bunch of 4chan worthy shit on top that it was lost. We get it, Eli, you’re really edgy. We get it.

One of my problems with The Green Inferno was that, while admittedly it was a homage to Italian cannibal movies, and so would naturally have similarities to many existing ones, including Roth’s blatant main muse, Cannibal Holocaust, it didn’t feel like Roth did anything new with the genre, or the resources available to him. It felt like the kind of thing kids would make on windows movie maker, for a GCSE media class, but with a bigger budget, rather than feeling like a movie made in tribute, but with original thoughts and ideas behind it, so the whole thing just came off as lazy.

The only interesting or slightly likeable characters turned out to be the tribe, and so I wasn’t too bothered as they picked off most of the characters I was meant to be rooting for.

Roth also got overly defensive, when accused by Survival International of continuing to give a platform to negative stereotypes about indigenous people, saying “The idea that a fictional movie about a fictional tribe could somehow hurt indigenous people when gas companies are tearing these villages apart on a daily basis is simply absurd.”

I get defending things you create, to a point, but this seems like a case of a creative never having had to face major criticism before, maybe because the entire genre they dominate keeps telling them how clever they are, and how special they are, and then getting defensive when confronted with genuine criticism, because it hurts their ego.

He went on to say “The fear that somehow a movie would give them ammunition to destroy a tribe all sounds like misdirected anger and frustration that the corporations are the ones controlling the fates of these uncontacted tribes.”

The fact is, dehumanisation of marginalised people is what keeps them marginalised, and this is partly done by the media and entertainment industry, so, yes, while the movie didn’t drive the whole world to attack uncontacted tribes, it is part of the fabric of their dehumanisation, and to say that these things don’t influence or vindicate prejudiced people, who kill people who stand in the way of profit, is naive at best, and ignorant at worst, because they are only able to kill those people, because they have been so dehumanised that they no longer see them as people. Attacks on indigenous people are still a reality and while I wouldn’t say writers and film makers should never touch on subjects like this, they should at least try and be responsible, and not act like people being offended by their bad treatment of sensitive topics is unfair.

Eli Roth is a grown man, a grown man of 45 fucking years old. If he’s grown enough to make his little cannibal movie, he should be grown enough to defend it without shouting down people’s opinions, and throwing a tantrum because people don’t “get” him, and actually confront his work with criticism.


Besos,

J x

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Let’s Go To The Movies

Hola Amigos!

As usual, I’ve been spending copious amounts of time watching simulated murder on a huge screen, while eating popcorn, like the scumbag that I am, and I’m here to let you know what I’ve thought. Yes, this is exactly like THAT League Of Gentlemen sketch.

Contains Spoilers for The Belko Experiment and Raw.

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An open letter to Miranda Larbi, in relation to unicorns.

Dear Miranda,

Let’s start with something positive (not that this post will be negative, but you know…) Congratulations on completing the London Marathon! I’ll probably never do this. I could pretend it’s because I’m busy at work, or otherwise occupied, but the truth is, that is part of my “Lazy Millennial” quota. Mother does not play that, so perhaps you’ve already beaten me at life before my whiney open letter has begun. Seriously though, that is an awesome achievement, and your articles on that were great fun to read.

I’m actually writing, as you may have guessed, by my obnoxious pink online presence, in regards to your piece in The Metro about Millennials and Unicorns.

I love unicorns, and I’m over 13. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I don’t care what you think, because I obviously care enough to write a blog post, but I do hope you’ll reconsider considering me infantile, due to this choice.

I mean, if you don’t, I won’t be crying into my Spider-Man spaghetti, but it would be nice.

I will start by being pedantic, and saying that as an adult, I can decide what is for kids and what is for me, and that I’m saying unicorns for everyone.

Okay, now imagine I’m poking my tongue out at you.

Go on, I’ll wait.

Okay, I’m done being intolerable and I’m going to talk seriously now. Let’s continue.

If my parent’s were honest, they’d say they found the beginnings of adult life difficult, and that the struggle never really goes away. I completely respect that. As it all turns out, being alive is actually quite hard, and the adult thing to do, is to be honest, at least with yourself, and find ways to deal with that.

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How Is She, Though?

You mentioned in your article that some members of older generations would manage the struggles of adulthood with drugs and alcohol, and while I respect their right to do so, if they really must, it isn’t for me. To be real, the NHS is in a bad state, and I’m not out here trying to make it worse by taking up their time with something self inflicted that could have been avoided by managing my stress in another way.

It’s all well and good to say that taking it easy and just having a drink or two to take the edge off is a harmless coping strategy, but high levels of stress can leave people susceptible to falling into bad habits with drinking, so it doesn’t seem a logical way to deal with stress and pressure, if you ask me (I’m aware that you didn’t.. also, is it still mansplaining if we’re both women?) because it can be a slippery slope, and I don’t own any shoes that are practical for regular ground, let alone slopes that are slippery.

Also, just to be pedantic again, but many under 25’s are not entitled to the national living wage, and many employers are unwilling to reward equal work with equal pay for all ages of staff, so some can’t afford drink and drugs whenever life gets too much anyway, even if they don’t intend to binge.

So, that’s drugs and drink out the window, so where do I go from there? I could take up some kind of sport, I guess, but I’ve never been the competitive type (I’m a Guardian reading pacifist, unfortunately), and I also have no actual skill in that department, so I honestly feel I’d be wasting everyone’s time and energy, and it would conjure too many unfortunate PE related memories for my fragile little mind to manage.

I could list off another bunch of hypothetical stress relievers here that I don’t want to do, but I’ll just tell you the things I do do (insert infantile, unicorn themed giggle here) to escape from reality.

For a start, I write. Maybe not well, maybe not in a way everyone likes, maybe in a way that some find troubling or problematic, but I do it, and I have a good time.

I also enjoy fun, cute stuff, because, to be ridiculously dramatic (I have a GCSE in drama and I’m not about to waste it), the world is pretty grim, and occasionally I want to brighten it up a little.

The key point is, however, that while I do spend my spare time writing soppy love poetry, with a unicorn pen (occasionally crayons), I’m still a hard working, well adjusted person who has earned the right to do it.

I’m still engaged in the world around me (yes, even when I’m “Always on that phone” as my dear Abuela says), I am still realistic about the path my life will take, and the way the world works, and have faced up to the lowered expectations of what I thought life could be, and am getting on with making the best of what I have. If I choose to do all that while sipping on a unicorn drink, does it make these things less valid?

Am I a little bit silly sometimes? Of course, but I’m an adult when it counts. Spending a few minutes of downtime drinking something cute, or listening to a Disney playlist gives the quick break I need so I can get back to taking on the world, and dealing with the real issues in my life, such as my absurd excuse for a sleep pattern, my high pressure job, and my quest to reach my 80’s without thinking I wasted time stifling the parts of me that other people thought weren’t appropriate anymore .

Liking pretty, glittery things hasn’t drastically impacted on my ability to function as an adult, or diminished my achievements and skills in the eyes of the other adults around me, because the past, as brightly as I was dressed during most of it, has still constructed a resilient and capable young woman, and that doesn’t disappear when I sit down to watch a cartoon, or dye my hair pink.

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Sorry ‘Bout It

I’ve survived the crushing disappointment of gaining a degree and finding no jobs waiting for me, the rejection letters and self doubt that came with it, the sadness of having to lower my expectations in regards to my childhood dreams of a big house, with a garden and a pool, and the sadness of lowering them again, because a decent, reasonably priced one bedroom flat with some heating and maybe a good sized bathroom is also unrealistic these days. I’ve faced wage gaps due to my age and gender, a Tory government, racism, Brexit, Steps splitting up, violence in relationships, bereavement, and so many other difficult things, and I’m still here. Glittery, defiant and annoying as hell, I’m sure, but I’m still here.

I am prepared to take on the adult world, to make tough decisions, struggle through hard times, and then struggle some more, I just choose to do it with pink nail varnish on.

The fact is, millennials are nothing if not resilient. We’re still here. We are still working on making careers for ourselves, and utilising the technology that many say we are addicted to, to find new ways of making money and finding sustainable and secure work. We are utilising social media as an additional tool to present ourselves and to learn more about the world around us, as well as to connect with those we care for, when we can’t be close to them.

I’ve seen millennials start their own businesses to create changes they want to see in the world, I’ve seen them embrace science and technology to create solutions to problems that they face. Millennials are opening their minds to new possibilities in what society can be, and are embracing the differences in the people around them. Millennials are politically engaged and aware of what is unfolding around them. Is it really fair to invalidate all this because they don’t adopt the typical adult aesthetic?

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Witty Caption, you know what I mean?

You could argue that being enthusiastic about fun, colourful things is infantile, but surely the entire sum of someone’s actions means more than just a few parts, no matter how brightly coloured they are?

We have grown up. We are here, in the adult world, doing adult things. To say that this is erased simply because someone older than us can’t see past what mug we drink from, or what coffee we order, says more about their own maturity than it does ours, right? Millennials have more than proven they can hang with the rest of the adults, and we have earned our stripes, and have a right to paint them rainbow if we want to.

Wishing you nothing but the best, in monochrome if you prefer,

J x


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Dating, and new writing

Hola amigos,

I hope you’ve been well. I’ve been very busy, going on quite a few dates… with myself. I’ve been single for a while, to be honest, I’d like to be for a bit longer, but I missed things like going to dinner, or seeing a movie, and initially, I thought it would be lonely to do it by myself, but actually, there are a lot of benefits.

For a start, I’m paying for everything myself, so there is no pressure to give anything back (financially or otherwise)for the drinks or the dinner, and I can also wear what I want without there being a sense of entitlement from someone else, because I’m the only one there!

I can also get an ice blast at the cinema, and nobody can tell me that adults shouldn’t have them, because I’m the only one there and I don’t care.

I’ve been on quite a few cinema trips lately, and rediscovered how enjoyable it can be just to sit, and be absorbed by the universe of someone else’s creation. I normally watch movies alone, but I’m big on multi tasking, so I’ll be writing while watching, which can be a little distracting. A major upside to watching a movie alone, and without distractions is that I can see whatever I want. I spent a lot of time when in relationships having to compromise, because most people aren’t interested in horror movies, and mentioning subtitles would send most of my exes running for the hills, so it’s nice to be able to watch things I’m actually interested in.

In other news, below is some new work I’ve finished. I hope you enjoy it!

Besos,

J x


baby steps jennifer juan

No Idea Why

£19.92

Follow

The Two I’s

Damien’s Lament

Baby Steps

Before You

Told You

Freak

White Cliffs Of Dover

Straw

Yearbook

-x-

No Idea Why

I looked up, back down.

I’m fascinated by the fear that frequents our moments together.

No idea why.

I took a step, silent, ran back.

No.

I’m cornered by my curiosity, for the way that you could love me.

I’ve no idea why.

You shy away, just like me, though our hearts have done marathons.

One wrong move from a nervous mouth can ruin a good thing I suppose.

No idea why.

-x-

£19.92

Kicks away the blankets,

still covered with the prints of her producers,

her days are caught in crying,

because she belongs to the songs she sold her soul for,

the melodies are mocking,

and though the crowds sustain her day to day,

she is only alive,

at the edge of death.

-x-

Follow

Anything to be with you.

I’ll go where the trail of your heart desires,

melting at my core,

on an endless exploration.

Anything to burn with you.

Show me the jaw of the jungle,

let me sleep in it’s swallow,

axed by the acid that awaits me.

I’m not afraid,

to die for our journey,

lost to your longing for the universe.

Anything to breathe with you.

Take me to the highest point,

to the ends of the earth,

and into the sun,

to burn up,

at the very thought of you.

-x-

The Two I’s 

My hands are dead,

done with drawing deeds we never did,

and my heart is hardened,

from hearing what it cannot have.

I’m saved by my sanity,

until it leaves,

through the same door she did,

then I’m helpless to myself.

She said I was intelligent,

until I was “insane”.

I’m insane enough to wait my life for her,

and intelligent enough to make it art.

-x-

Damien’s Lament

She’s sleeping.

I watch her toss and turn,

my stomach does the same.

I’m sure her eyelids are a work of art,

and her fingertips are fondant fancies,

french tips, fit for my lips.

Her face is lonely,

without my eyes to keep it company,

the wonder of her waking,

is worth the risk of arrest.

-x-

Baby Steps

She stumbles behind us,

running to keep up.

We need to lose her,

so we can lose ourselves.

Nobody knows,

I’m not even sure I do,

but maybe we’ll know,

alone at the lake,

learning to kiss,

and learning to cry.

-x-

Before You

I’ve given up on giving you everything I had.

I’m picking up the pieces that I put on display,

you never understood them,

and you wouldn’t take a step into my gallery.

I glue the girl back together,

though she fights the skirts you sneered at,

and the pink lip you said wasn’t to your taste.

I place it on her mouth,

to decorate the long howls,

and dress her in all she has left.

I still paint by your numbers,

they add up to fuck all,

I have more troubles,

than your approval,

but I seek it,

every second.

I’m busy rebuilding the girl you left behind,

and the girl she was,

before you.

-x-

Told You

I told you I’m a liar,

but you didn’t believe a word I said.

You told me I was the only one for you,

and I told you I wasn’t for anybody.

Just say it if you want to,

and maybe I’ll figure it out along the way.

Spell it out, say syllables,

because I never learned to read.

Love me if you want to,

I won’t think any less.

I don’t really think at all,

but maybe that could change.

-x-

Freak

She’s uneasy on her feet,

and harsh on the world.

Her head is in the past,

that stabs and stands above,

no matter where she runs.

Would you believe her,

if she said a heart,

was fighting,

under that freak in teal?

-x-

The White Cliffs Of Dover

I’m on a cliff,

and on the sea floor,

in a moment,

if I want it.

I don’t hear Vera,

or love, or laughter,

just waves and wind,

and the rushing of my stillness.

Erode me to the air,

or save me from myself,

right now, it doesn’t matter,

and neither does what led me here.

-x-

Straw

He pulls on my hair,

he pulls on my nerves.

He presses his lips to the straw in his hand,

and all over again, I’m envious of inanimate objects.

My heels removed,

I’m a girl again.

I am blushy, I am mushy,

and I’m disgusted by my desire for him.

He’s drinking again,

as I drink him in.

I’m euphoric, and pathetic,

and I know that he loves it.

He touches my heart,

my hands and my lashes.

The world has stopped,

and only he can make it start again.

-x-

Yearbook

Voted most likely

to steal your elderly husband,

in my high school yearbook,

‘Cause I’m a vampire for vintage,

and I need that stale sweet blood.

I need some seasoned love,

because tomorrow’s man,

doesn’t factor into my future.

I want a face and heart,

with character,

and an earth of experience,

to impact upon my sun.

-x-


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Thought Provoking stories in your horror movies? It’s more likely than you’d think!

I know, I know. I’m late with my Get Out thinkpiece, but to be fair, it was released later here in the UK, and also this isn’t so much a Get Out thinkpiece, as a plea for the real world to stop treating horror movies as the annoying little sibling who doesn’t deserve to sit at the grown up table. Let us begin.

I thought Get Out was phenomenal (please don’t ask me how many times I had to type that word to get rid of the dreaded red line, I am not the best speller..), and one of the best horror movies I’ve seen in 2017 so far. Daniel Kaluuya has always been an actor I’ve enjoyed watching, since I first saw him on BBC’s eclectic horror comedy series, Psychoville. He continued to impress over the years, and really gave a stellar showing in Get Out, as the hero, Chris. The writing was clever and engaging, and the entire film was a blood soaked joy to watch, which is exactly what I want in a horror film.

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Daniel Kaluuya, star of Jordan Peele’s Get Out.

As a child of an interracial relationship, and a participant in a few (well, considering I’m literally a mixture of two races, I think, biologically speaking, any relationship I have will be interracial, but I’m being pedantic), I am well aware of not only how great they can be, but also the sobering difficulties that interracial couples can face, outside of their own loved up bubble. It isn’t just obvious prejudice, but subtle “well meaning” issues. Of course, someone threatening to burn your house down, or kill you for being in a relationship outside of your race is noticeable, but there are acts of prejudice that will sometimes fly under the radar, and this film expertly and fearlessly exposes racist microagressions and opens up discussion of the full scope of racism, including the well meaning allies who still, however accidental play a part in racism, and of course, the “I’m not racist, but…” crowd.

It achieves this without being patronising to those who may want to help break down barriers and use their privilege to help people, in a way that The Green Inferno, Eli Roth’s cannibal holocaust edge lord, try hard rip off tribute attempted to do, but didn’t quite manage. The message was much clearer, didn’t sound condescending, and the conspiracy theories were at least well explained, related to the topic at hand and not just yelled out by a caged hipster. That makes a lot more sense if you’ve seen The Green Inferno, and if you have a few hours to spare, it’s on amazon prime, and while a bit crap, it’s kind of a laugh, even if it’s just for how seriously it takes itself.

Get Out is by no means the first horror movie to confront real world issues, but it’s massive success has opened up potential new viewers to all the great things horror as a genre has to offer, including but not limited to “woke” horror (and by that I don’t mean Nightmare On Elm Street), and sent a clear message to the bigger studios that not only is horror worth investing in outside of October releases, but that mindless horror isn’t the only profitable option.

Horror is, in my opinion a great genre to explore and discuss the harsh realities of life, because is there really any more realistic a picture of humanity than one of humanity in peril? The truth of who we are and why we are that way is easily exposed under the threat of death, whether it’s from zombies, ghosts, cannibals, or your unfriendly neighbourhood racist.

Zombie movies, as overexposed as they might have been in recent years are a great example of privilege in action. Working class people are normally the first victims in the apocalypse, because, well, they’re at work, surrounded by people, some of which may be zombies, and they don’t have helicopters, huge cars or boats to get away from the carnage. I can tell you right now, the second Z Day comes, I will be one of the first to go. I don’t drive, I don’t have a cool method of escape, and it takes me at least two hours of commuting on public transport to get home of an evening. I’ll be eaten before I make it past Bluewater. Meanwhile, those richer than me will have better means of escaping. Whether they’ll be anything left to escape to at the end of the day is anyone’s guess, but they’ll have a better chance than me. Is this fair? No. Is it the way life currently is for me? Yes.

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The Rezort, one of the most recent Zombie movies to shine a light on the true price of not being able to afford safety in a disaster.

This is of course reminiscent of real life natural disasters, in which money can go a long way to preserving your safety, while the underprivileged don’t have the resources to have safeguards in place, or any way to help themselves when disaster strikes. While zombies might be a fantasy, the fact that in a crisis, large parts of the world’s population will be fucked over because they are from a lower economical standing and don’t have access to things that will help them is not.

The recent debate over women’s rights to their own bodies has also been covered numerous times in horror. Classic film Rosemary’s Baby is a harrowing look at the lack of autonomy women hold over their bodies. Not only is Rosemary sexually assaulted by a demon, her husband casually lies and states that he had sex with her when she was unconscious, to cover the fact that she was sexually assaulted by a demonic presence. During her pregnancy, her concerns are silenced and she is eventually forced to mother the Antichrist.

picture-of-rosemarys-baby-photo.jpg

One of the most iconic Mother’s in cinema history was the most unwilling.

While I’m not aware of cases of women being raped by demons, or forced to carry the Antichrist to full term, I am aware of cases of women being raped in the real world, and having their fears and concerns silenced, I am aware of women in the real world who are denied a choice on carrying a child to full term, and the fact that these realities are not just playing out on a screen, and are, in some sense real, should terrify us, but like many of the characters in Rosemary’s Baby, people will find ways to justify women being treated this way, or will just ignore it.

While many see Saw as a yearly money raising exercise for Lionsgate, the Saw series did contain a hard dose of reality along with it’s gore. There are people who think like John Kramer, and believe they have a right to play God because they are unhappy with people’s attitudes, there are corrupt police officers like Mark Hoffman who will use the power entrusted to them by their communities to commit crimes, and they’ll try and justify them too. There are people like Amanda Young, who are vulnerable, and can form great bonds with those that abuse them, whether it’s the one who enabled her drug habit, or the one who stuck a bear trap on her head and forced her to disembowel a man. These people may never see themselves as abusers, they may see themselves as saving their victim, but the reality is, Amanda Young was a victim of abuse, those that abused her, especially John Kramer insisted that it was her own fault. He insisted that he “fixed” her, he brainwashed her until she believed it. In the real world, this is called victim blaming, and while John suffered for it, many in the real world do not.

Shawneesmithjigsawtrap

Amanda Young, one of the many abuse victims who was blamed by her abuser for her own trauma.

I could go on about the horrific but quite realistic aspects of the long and winding Saw saga, but I don’t have all the time in the world, and the fact is, it may have handled some of them in a clumsy manner, but the series confronts many of the world’s injustices, and tells the story of many oppressed people through it’s long and bloody journey.

I’ve barely scratched the surface, and horror is a genre full of excellent commentary on the state of humanity, and what complacency to the issues of your fellow man can bring you, and while it is unfortunate that a lot of it is written off due to the storytelling devices used, it is my hope that in the future, horror will be taken as seriously as other genres, and the messages it contains will be given as much attention as other genres.

Besos,

J x



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World Poetry Day :)

Hola amigos,

Today is World Poetry Day, so here are some poems that I’ve finished up.

I’ve written about quite a few things that I’ve been thinking about lately, such as the difficult journey to loving yourself, the unfortunate news of privacy leaks for public figures, my regrets from the past and my hopes for the future, and I hope you enjoy reading them.

Besos,

J x


 

 

darling-desperate-dismal-girl-jennifer-juan

Torch Song

Manicure

Ready For Love

Remembering Royalty

Poor Man’s Ecstasy 

Home Movies

Running

Education For Pleasure 

Screening

Inheritance 

Yayo, Yano

My Funny Galentine 

Magic Show 

Compeyson

Nineteen

One Great Marriage 

-x-

Torch Song

Each endless escalation,

and asinine argument,

ends under your eyes,

before finding the floor.

I’ve told you before,

that I love you, and loathe you,

and there’s nobody else,

that I’d torch myself for.

I torture myself,

to replays of our wars,

my blazing hot heart,

is ash, when yours invades mine.

-x-

Manicure

I don’t recall a single thing about you,

except for the tornado,

mailed to my midsection,

when I heard your name.

I think I forgot,

perhaps out of spite,

or in the knowledge,

you had no knowledge of me.

I couldn’t say what captivated me,

and I’ve lost the list of my lust filled longing,

it fell from my pocket,

when I fell out of love.

I’ve lost the heart, I was so sure I had,

that was all the better for your scars.

My newest is refurbished,

fresh and functional.

I’m busy doing my nails,

and you mean nothing at all.

-x-

Ready For Love

I am the ghost of romance past,

and you won’t sleep at all tonight.

I’m a throwback lover,

with those old fashioned tricks,

that feel brand new,

to your played out playbook.

You call, for once,

just to see how it feels,

and we bloom,

like the flowers you learned that I like.

We dance in a darkened alley,

behind the railway station,

while a million passers by,

stamp out a sweet, street symphony.

You lend me your favourite jacket,

as you summon up the stars,

and the frightened fuckboy disappears,

replaced by a man, ready for love.

-x-

Remembering Royalty

She can sit on my throne,

but it’s been embroidered,

with the memory of how I’d sink into silk,

and survey your starvation for me.

My image is carved in the arm,

with ambitious promise.

As she rises,

you’ll be mournful,

of the majesty that rests with me,

and while there have been a million princesses,

only I have been your Queen.

-x-

Poor Man’s Ecstasy

Night comes around,

and my cap is on your carpet.

I’ve become more of a need,

as you neck my dangerous, delicious dessert.

It’s always the last time,

until you remember the first time,

and we have all the time,

the world allows.

I’m just no good,

but I’m not bad either.

I’m a poisoned Parma Violet,

I’m in your mouth every day,

as if it won’t end us both.

You’ll throw me up,

to the sky,

in a bowl,

and across the carpet,

where my cap lies.

You’ll come back,

and I’ll be waiting,

because we just can’t quit.

-x-

Home Movies

We’d go through the motions,

but our joints are bent and busted,

and when we touch each other,

our minds are miles away.

You’ve got your brand new ingénue,

and your best friend is your understudy,

but we still pretend I’m your movie star,

and you’re my leading man.

The carpet stained so long ago,

but I vacuumed in earnest.

The door isn’t locked but we dare not step out,

in case we find a reason to never come back.

We’ve been lying on “I love you still”,

so long, we’re still and solemn,

and the words are tasteless in the mouths,

that only kiss out of habit.

The children tower over us,

projecting what we have,

a dark but shallow shadow,

far from the heights of the past.

We’re past home improvements,

the paint we chose was discontinued,

we can’t agree on a wallpaper,

so we may as well tear this old house down.

-x-

Running 

I admit I spent my money on shots,

but I know I spent no time on you.

Your imagination ran away,

almost as fast as I did,

at the thought of the future you foretold.

-x-

Education For Pleasure

I’m mint green,

in experience and in envy.

My curriculum is cursed, with you,

I learn to lean

with the sways of your seduction,

yet your favourite student,

chews gum,

comes late,

and has her name scrawled on your desk,

along with a billion bad boys,

you pretend not to notice.

I’ve a notebook, with your name,

not that you’ll ever see,

and my heart, broken and begging,

crawls back to each letter,

no matter how far they pull away.

Far in the future,

when she gleefully graduates,

I’ll wait, hopeful and hung up.

The girl at your desk,

waiting to ink your initials,

on her soul.

-x-

Screening

Baby, you were made for the movies,

but I can’t share you with the silver screen.

Your beauty beams throughout the theatre,

and the world watches what I’ve waited my life for.

Some nights,

as your shirt sheds your skin,

and your body is mine,

I hate you.

Your shirt has been shed for other eyes,

and your body is second hand,

and my hands take it personally.

You have loved before me,

You’ve had joy before me,

but you were my first screening,

and you’re vintage.

I want to go home.

I’m not made for this monotony,

to toil under jealousy,

through our Hollywood love affair,

but my eyes belong to you,

and rest, so obsessed,

on your body,

no matter who else has had the pleasure.

-x-

Inheritance 

It sits beneath my skin,

just waiting to tear down desperate defences,

built on a budget,

so I never became what I’ve seen.

Cut me out of your will,

as accidental as your gift is,

not hurled with hate,

but handed with hope,

that one day, I’ll understand.

I understand all to well,

the harrowing, harmful hell,

that hangs inside your head,

and loiters at the back of my brain.

The blue babies want it,

and it’s creeping closer,

though I put an ocean between us,

it swims,

insistent zombie,

to feast on my thoughts.

-x-

Yayo, Yano

I want you in my veins,
in my soul,
in my bed.

Slip under the sheets,
slip under my skin,
slip under my safety.

You’re simply unforgettable,
illegal for good reason,
but a moment with you,
will be savoured for my stretch,
no matter the bars that hold me,
I’ll remember the bars where you held me.


Tell me where I can buy you,
on a cracked out corner,
from a cracked out cad,
I’ll part with my heart,
if you promise you’ll find some feeling,
in the love starved bones that I call home.

-x-

My Funny Galentine 

She told me she loved me,

and it felt foreign,

frightening,

fundamental.

All at once,

and never at all,

I wanted to believe,

even if I was hidden under hatred,

a free gift with the magazines,

that found their way into my basket,

even though they hated my guts,

and my eyebrows,

and my cellulite,

and my.. well, you know,

everything.

The whispers of the world,

and the fiction of normality,

are nothing, when I’m in love.

I have the merry way she laughs,

her eyebrows, wild as her spirit,

sweet cellulite, and sweeter smiles,

and everything, yes, everything,

is mine to love, for the rest of my life.

-x-

Magic Show

You, mischievous magician,

pulled off your finest trick,

when you made my morals vanish,

and my heart run from my body,

to your waiting, wasted arms.

I’m the empress of our mess,

cowardly courageous.

My crown is made of lies we told,

and I sleep well knowing,

you’re sleeping with your enemy.

-x-

Compeyson

Too late to love you,

through the aching annex,

where your hollow heart sleeps,

with nightmares of me.

Twenty to nine,

twenty to nine,

twenty to nine.

You’ll never be mine.

The world on the shoulders,

of the white wishes you wore.

I could kiss apologies,

on the long dead lips,

soothe the scorched skin,

our world back in motion.

Twenty to nine,

ten to nine,

nine.

You are mine.

The world shared between us,

and your wishes, my goals.

Yet darling, desperate, dismal girl,

I’m simply not inclined.

-x-

Nineteen

It’s so funny how I’m nostalgic

for the worst nights of my life,

when my tears were blue,

and my soul was white.

Before I learned to love the fire,

that licked along the lines,

that separated us,

societal,

psychological,

physical,

consequential.

Before we crashed,

two car smash,

uninsured, with no licence,

and so intense,

before you pulled me from the wreckage,

and ran me down, again and again.

I bask in my bad dreams,

of broken you and me,

and I love it,

and I love you,

and I love us.

-x-

One Great Marriage 

He says he loves his girl Slim,

I know it’s just a name.

His hands will follow my waist,

no matter how far it goes.

Twenty first of May,

may I have our love forever?

I’m seasick, as he waves at me,

I shake myself to pieces,

bayside bae, and his party girl,

so satisfied in his storm.

He won’t dance with me until we’re alone,

the crowds can’t get enough of us,

but he’ll be at home waiting,

a better buzz than I’ll find at any bar.

I whistle, impatient, and he runs,

everything important surrounds me,

as he closes me into his arms.

I am his last love,

and he, my first.

Hello, baby,

don’t ever say goodbye.

-x-

Leaks

Decorated in fantasy,

and infamy,

built by the dreams of those who daren’t,

though I do.

For them,

with them,

by their design,

and by the blueprints of a small dreamer,

who flew past never,

when nobody could,

and reached the stars.

I was perfect until they printed a new me,

that I hadn’t seen.

I knew her beginnings,

I’d lived her beginnings,

and every other second too,

and it was mine,

until it was mined from my mind,

and shared,

suddenly sordid,

through the mouths and minds,

and hateful hands.

Suddenly,

as I removed my clothes,

for myself,

they jumped from the walls,

uninvited,

and removed my achievements,

and my voice,

and my heart,

as if any part of my body was theirs to take.

When I lay alone,

on the judgemental floor,

surrounded by damning decor,

they wondered why I wept,

and asked if they could take my tears too.

 


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Darling, Desperate, Dismal Girl
Amor, Amor
Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs


RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Baby Back There” from Ours
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“Beach Walk” from Ours

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Get To Know Me :)

Hola amigos,

Today, I’m going to be doing the “Get To Know Me” tag, which I saw being done here. Hope you enjoy finding out a little bit more about me!

Besos,

J x


 

What is your middle name?: Louise, my mum has the same middle name, interestingly enough.

What was favorite subject at school?: Drama and English Language, because I loved to create characters and cool backstories for them.

What is your favorite drink?: Strawberry ribena.

What is your favorite song at the moment?: Kokomo By The Beach Boys is my favourite song ever, no matter when you ask me, it is always that.

What is your favorite food?: I think about Yorkshire Puddings every single day. If I could eat them every day, I’d be the happiest person alive.

What is the last thing you bought?: I got a bottle of Sunny D this morning.

Favorite book of all time?: Forever by Judy Blume. I think Judy Blume is such an outstanding writer, and it’s a shame that a lot of people disregard her as “just a children’s author” because firstly, children’s authors are just as valid as any other kind of writer, and secondly, Blume’s books can be enjoyed at any age because she is amazing.

Favorite Color?: Purple and Pink.

Do you have any pets?: No. I’d like to have a pet, but I don’t think I’d have time to give it the proper love and care it would need, so I won’t for now.

Favorite Perfume?: Forever by Mariah Carey. That’s also my favourite song by her.

Favorite Holiday?: I actually don’t like going on holiday because I get stressed about all the things at home so I can’t enjoy it at all.

Are you married?: No, and I doubt I ever will be because I’m the actual worst.

Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?: Yes to Spain, but Brexit is coming up, so I guess I’ll just be staying here and hoping Europe forgives me.

Do you speak any other language?: English, and Spanish, and I’m learning Welsh.

How many siblings do you have?: Two brothers and one sister.

What is your favorite shop?: Superdrug, because I like how much cool stuff is there, and that they still occasionally play Europop on the radio.

Favorite restaurant?: You all know this was coming… Nando’s!

When was the last time you cried?: This morning. I watched the MAC Viva Glam episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and when Ongina cried, I cried, but I didn’t have the weird vaseline filter lighting to keep me looking cute…

Favorite Blog?: Jess! Jess is a wonderful person and her blog is both beautiful and informative.

Favorite Movie?: Back To The Future Part One, Battle Royale, All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, The Big Sleep, Selena, La Bamba and Ringu.

Favorite TV shows?: The Thick Of It, Star Trek Voyager, Bates Motel and Jane The Virgin.

PC or Mac?: PC, because I find Macs confusing.

What phone do you have?: iPhone 6S in rose gold.

How tall are you?: 5″11

Can you cook?: Yes, but I can only cook the five or six meals I actually like, so if you’re hoping for something fun and interesting, I’m not the girl to call.


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Amor, Amor
Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs

What Do Little Girls Dream Of?


RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Things About Rings
Tis The Season To Be Bad At Wrapping Presents🙂
 
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Things About Rings.

rings-poster

As a long time fan of the many adventures of Samara Morgan and her Japanese inspiration Sadako, I was incredibly excited to see Rings, and here are some thoughts on the latest addition to the series. I mean, I could call it a review, but it’s more fangirl whining, I don’t know.

It will contain spoilers for the entire series, so it is under a read more 🙂

Besos,

J

x

Continue reading

Ask Jen – January 15th

Melody Ann asked “What inspired I Love You, Bye?”

The dehumanisation of celebrities. It was originally going to be the end of Querida, with Damien kidnapping her, but I came up with a different ending, so ended up using the idea for a separate story. I think while the majority of fandom is wonderful, creative and respectful, there are people who cross a line and treat their idols as if they are objects that belonged to them, so I wanted to explore the idea a little, and that was what I came up with.

Katie asked “Who is your favourite wrestling manager of all time?”

Either Donna or Vickie Guerrero. I think both really added to matches they were involved in, and really went the extra mile to make the client memorable, without making the entire thing about themselves and leaving the client forgotten, which is pretty much the key point of managing that a lot of people miss. Unfortunately, some genuinely believe it is just about standing at ringside, and clapping/looking dismayed at the right moment, or constantly speaking for the client and doing all the promo work, so they never advance their skills, but there is far more to it than that.

Being a manager is about taking what is great about the client and enhancing it, making sure they are memorable, while giving the opportunity for them to learn from you and improve on what they may currently be lacking, which they both did very well.

They were also both strong female characters who took no shit, which is lovely.

Jack asked “What kind of coffee do you like?”

I don’t. Coffee is far too grown up for me. I don’t even like coffee flavoured things, actually.

Amy asked “What do you think of Youtubers writing books?”

I honestly don’t care to be honest. I know some people get mad about it, but it encourages reading in young people, sells books which brings money back into publishing and helps to fund new authors, and makes the readers of those books happy.

I could complain about Youtubers getting book deals, or I could just keep writing my own stuff, gaining experience and skills and not have an internet trail of trashing other people who have been published, that will make me look bitter, and alienate potential readers when I eventually get a book deal.

I would personally not read many of them, but I’m not the target audience. I think there is a big issue in writing communities in that people genuinely believe that books are only valid if they are the kind of books they will read. It may not be for you, and that is fine, just read something that is aimed at you, and move on. I wrote more on this here, actually.

There is the ghost writing issue, but the fact is, ghost writers decide to ghost write, and they get paid, so it isn’t really something to be concerned about, it is just a part of the writing industry. You could argue that Youtubers should be upfront if their book is ghostwritten, to maintain transparency with their fans, but that kind of defeats the point of ghost writing, because you’re not supposed to know…

TLDR, I don’t care, because I have my own shit to do.

 


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
What Do Little Girls Dream Of?
Enemy Of The State

Boo, Bitch

RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Don’t Wake” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Final Messages” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Tis The Season To Be Bad At Wrapping Presents🙂 
Lipsticks I Love

You Don’t Have To Be Alone

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Lipsticks I Love

lipsticks-jennifer-juan

Hola amigos!

I’ve previously mentioned a little bit of inexperience with make up, but I’m slowly (very slowly) figuring it out, and I’m having a lot of fun. My favourite kind of products are lip products, and so today, I thought I’d share some of my favourite lipsticks with you.

kylie-cosmetics-exposed-jennifer-juan

I’m pretty sure everyone is aware of the Kylie Cosmetics brand at this point, and as cute as they all looked, Exposed was the first of Kylie’s products that I really felt drawn to, enough to deal with the hell of customs. It wasn’t the actual charge that was the issue (£8 if you’re wondering) but the fact I had to go to the sorting office, which is on the other side of town to the post office, and up a massive hill. The struggle was real. However, it was worth it.

The lip liner was so smooth and applied so well. I’ve not got much experience with lip liners (or anything, as you know) but it was so easy to use. The scent of the liquid lipstick was divine. It was so sweet, and reminded me of baking cupcakes with my mum, and that’s always a good thing. If Kylie Jenner ever goes into fragrances, I’ll be ready to order. The liquid lipstick felt good on my lips, and was, like the liner, very easy to apply. I regret not buying the gloss at the time, but there is always next time.

 

colourpop-salt-jennifer-juan

I always liked the idea of metallic lips, but I never thought I could pull it off. Luckily for me, 2016 has been a long year of “The world appears to be imploding on itself and ending, so girl, wear whatever the hell you want.” so I just went with it. I had heard a lot of great things about Colourpop, and Diva Approved were having a sale on Colourpop products, so I decided to go for it and ordered Salt.

I knew if I was going to go metallic, it had to be gold, because as I mentioned in a previous blog, gold is kinda my thing. When I received it, I was a bit nervous, but within minutes, I didn’t care, because I felt like an Academy Award statue. I was glitzy, glamorous, and oh so fabulous. While it can look great with a gloss, it isn’t really required, because it has plenty of shimmer of it’s own, and is very moisturising, so no dry lips!

mac-selena-jennifer-juan

My love for Selena Quintanilla Perez is endless. Honestly. There is so much about her to love. Her voice, how she performed, her personality, her kindness and love to her fans, and of course, her effortless but flawless style. Selena was a beauty and fashion icon in her lifetime, with people emulating her looks, and flocking to her Texas boutiques to get some of that Selena style, so it was unsurprising when MAC cosmetics decided to honour the legendary entertainer with her own make up line.

Amor Prohibido was my favourite shade (and is also one of my favourite songs) because the colour is gorgeous, and it feels so good on the lips. It’s something that doesn’t really require too much prep work, which is helpful for someone like me, and the colour lasts a lot longer than I expected, considering how little effort I have to put in to wear it. The packaging is SO Selena, and while the release was a bit frustrating (I think MAC didn’t quite prepare for how many fans Selena still has around the world), I think the line is a great addition to her legacy, and the lipstick is just beautiful.

As they say, anything for Selenas.

colourpop-screenshot-jennifer-juan

As mentioned, I’d heard a lot of good things about Colourpop, and they recently had free international shipping, so of course, as a woman who loves lip products with sensible spending habits, I got out my bank card and went to work. I got one of the Hello Kitty lip glosses, because I love anything cute, especially Hello Kitty, and I also got Screenshot.

Screenshot felt like I was wearing a lip gloss, but looked like I was wearing a lipstick, and you can’t really ask for more than that. It was comfortable, but still retained the desired look.

It contains a little less preparation than a matte lipstick, which is useful for me, as I’m not too good at sitting still and working on that. The colour is long lasting, and looks lovely.

mua-luxe-glint-jennifer-juan

In addition to Colourpop’s Salt, I also picked up the MUA Luxe Glint metallic to try out. I was a little more nervous about this one (this is becoming a theme) because it was darker than most lipsticks I use. However, at the time I got it, Halloween was coming up, so I was like “if it looks horrible on me, I can just say I was getting in the Halloween spirit”. Ha, Halloween spirit.

Anyway. As it all turned out, the upcoming dystopia kind of took the edge off, and I thought to myself “It doesn’t look bad, it just looks different.” I’ve come to realise that I don’t think colours can look bad, they are just different to what you are used to, so you can really wear whatever you want, and it will probably be fine. I soon got used to the colour, and actually found it quite empowering, and it’s become something I wear regularly.

I hope you enjoyed this post, what are some of your favourite lipsticks?

Besos,

J x


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Enemy Of The State
Boo, Bitch
Sincerely, Jennifer x


RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
You Don’t Have To Be Alone
The Road To Halloween Continues
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