I once wrote a song called Swipe Forever, about what it’s like to date as a bisexual, and it’s been stuck in my head for weeks now, because a) I’m a narcissist who loves their own music b) I’m attempting to date again and once again, I am having the WORST time.
I currently have my tinder set to show women only, because frankly, I’m tired of men, and as a girl with options, I’m taking those options. The trouble is, a huge amount of profiles that show up for people searching for a woman are couples. I know you can’t see me as you’re reading this, but I want you to know that I am currently rolling my eyes.
I’m sure those couples think it’s harmless, and that they aren’t hurting anyone, but considering how many of these couples refer to bisexual women with dehumanising terms like “third” or “unicorn”, I can’t really be shocked that they don’t have the self awareness to realise why their behaviour is often biphobic as hell.
I’d like to start by reminding these couples that there are a number of specific platforms for couples to connect with people who are willing to entertain their nonsense, such as Feeld, Polyfinda, FNTSY and 3fun, so they don’t actually have to take up space on platforms where single women are looking for single women. It’s hard enough to find a girlfriend (especially for bisexual women, who are unfairly stereotyped as promiscuous and unfaithful, largely in part to the idea that we are all constantly having threesomes) but it’s even harder when you are having to wade through profiles full of “We’re an open minded couple looking to explore :)”.
The attitudes that many of these couples have about bisexual woman are disgusting. We are referred to as “unicorns”, “a bit of fun”, “thirds”. The expectation is that we are ready and willing to step into the bedrooms of bored couples to fix the fact that they no longer satisfy each other. The idea that we are people in our own right, who have romantic desires and that we could want real, meaningful connections and relationships is completely alien to them, because they see us as sex toys and marital aids.
Even if you specifically state that you aren’t interested in couples, you WILL get messages from couples. I can always recognise a bisexual woman on a dating app before I even scroll to check her orientation, because just like me, she has the tell tale “NO COUPLES!!!!” in her profile, and just like me, I know that her wishes will be ignored and she will be bombarded by couples who don’t respect her enough to accept that she is not available to them.
The entitlement is perhaps the worst part. I have encountered many couples who simply will not accept “No” as a complete sentence. They will pressure you, plead, beg, until it gets pathetic, uncomfortable and frankly, grosser than some of the weird shit I get sent from straight men. They don’t seem to understand that bisexual woman actually get to choose who they have sex with. Speaking to a bisexual woman is not like going shopping for a vibrator, because we actually talk back, and as the ill fated conversation goes on, you can tell they don’t like it.
They feel like we are being audacious for not being interested. That’s the issue. If a single person treated a woman that way, people would recognise that it was wrong, but couples treat bisexual women like this all the time and nothing is ever said about it.
If people want to have sex with other people while in relationships, that’s fine. I don’t understand it, and I have no intention of doing it myself, but as long as everyone involved wants to be there, it’s fine. All I am asking for is that they don’t involve me in it.
Stop encroaching on the space of people who have been clear that they aren’t interested. Stop talking about us as if we aren’t real people. Stop treating us like we are just a set of genitals for you and your bored partner to play with. If you really have to look for another partner, treat the people you approach with respect. It really isn’t hard.