Posted in Blog, Personal, Writing

Why Can’t Men Leave Lesbians Alone?

Hello, it’s me, your unfriendly, neighbourhood lesbian.

Blue ticked bitch, besties!

I’d like to start by saying that when I refer to men in this blog post, I am not talking about non binary people. Maybe we won’t be compatible (but maybe we will…), but I have no issue seeing them around because we share experiences and understand each other. I am also not talking about trans men, who, again, might not be a match for me (but again, maybe they would…), but are not a problem in wlw spaces.

I am talking about cis men in wlw spaces.

The audacity to like my profile when you’re not only a cis man, but also a TORY??????

The majority of experiences I have had with cis men in wlw spaces are predatory, with them being creepy and invasive, harassing me and other women who just want to find other women, so the question is, why are dating apps enabling this?

We are not even talking about people who could be considered feminine, and questioning their gender, these are legitimately cis, masculine, heterosexual men who are very comfortable with the idea that they are men. Many of them will openly admit this in their profiles, despite having a profile set as a woman “by mistake”. Some will even have their gender set to “Man”, but will inexplicably be shown to lesbian women, and be allowed to interact with them.

I blame Drake’s new album for this.

I have received abusive, homophobic messages from cis men, including men implying that my sexuality is a result of sexual trauma or child abuse, men implying that they can “fix” my sexuality, men pressuring me to accept their advances, men insisting that I should just try to be with them (I have, and I had a dreadful time) as well as men pleading to see private pictures and videos of me and other women. I have reported these men when I’ve encountered them but nothing has happened, and frankly, they should not have had access to my profile in the first place.

How to lose friends and alienate lesbians…

I used to get some harassment when I was deluding myself that I was bisexual (happy Bi month to my former siblings by the way, thank you for taking care of me over the years), but it was nothing in comparison to the way men have treated me since I began being real about being a lesbian.

This is not just a problem on widely used apps that include cis and straight people like Tinder and Bumble but it is also an issue on apps specifically intended for LGBT women and non binary people interested in women, such as Her and Zoe. If apps specifically made for us are no longer safe, what are we supposed to do?

Cis men on your LGBT+ women exclusive app? It’s more likely than you think…

This might just seem like I’m complaining over a mild inconvenience but this is a major safety issue. Hate crimes against the LGBT community are increasing, not only in the UK but across the world, so having safe spaces where we can communicate and be open about ourselves is important.

LGBT women have faced rising homophobic and transphobic abuse through dating platforms from cis men, along with messages full of fetishisation and fantasies. There have been cis men pretending to be trans men to avoid being banned from LGBT focused apps, only coming clean about being cis when they’ve matched with somebody, which puts real trans men in danger of abuse and harassment. Trans women face harassment from men who sign up purposefully to fetishise them and dehumanise them, but the majority of apps have no interest in stopping this clear abuse of the rules.

I also have no clue what you’re doing here, buddy.

There are some men that I can believe may have made a mistake setting up their profiles (although why they haven’t noticed and started a new profile is beyond me) but there are also many who had a clear motive when setting up profiles that will be shown to lesbians, especially when they do so on apps that are clearly and undeniably for women and non binary people only.

Why do you require a lesbian to do that? Go play dress up by yourself lmao

Women will have profiles deleted for having too much cleavage in a picture, or for using a swear word when responding to harassment, but men specifically setting up profiles to harass women who are clearly uninterested are left to do as they please, and all women can do is complain to each other because the platforms don’t care about our safety or wellbeing.

It’s literally impossible to be straight and bisexual at the same time, my dude.

So, here I am, complaining to women (and probably some men and non binary pals) who read my blog, hoping for change. Part of me knows it won’t happen. In the UK, lesbians are still harassed in the street and online. Women in general are subjected to regular harassment and breaches of our boundaries. The public is turning on the LGBT community, labelling us as “woke” and “loony lefties” because we want equal treatment for our trans family, and so, with all that in mind, do I expect this predatory behaviour to stop? No lmao, I’m just tired. That’s all. I’m exhausted.

Posted in Blog, Pride Month 2021, Writing

Why It’s Time For Couples To Get Off Tinder and Leave Bisexual Women Alone

I once wrote a song called Swipe Forever, about what it’s like to date as a bisexual, and it’s been stuck in my head for weeks now, because a) I’m a narcissist who loves their own music b) I’m attempting to date again and once again, I am having the WORST time.

I currently have my tinder set to show women only, because frankly, I’m tired of men, and as a girl with options, I’m taking those options. The trouble is, a huge amount of profiles that show up for people searching for a woman are couples. I know you can’t see me as you’re reading this, but I want you to know that I am currently rolling my eyes.

I’m sure those couples think it’s harmless, and that they aren’t hurting anyone, but considering how many of these couples refer to bisexual women with dehumanising terms like “third” or “unicorn”, I can’t really be shocked that they don’t have the self awareness to realise why their behaviour is often biphobic as hell.

I’d like to start by reminding these couples that there are a number of specific platforms for couples to connect with people who are willing to entertain their nonsense, such as Feeld, Polyfinda, FNTSY and 3fun, so they don’t actually have to take up space on platforms where single women are looking for single women. It’s hard enough to find a girlfriend (especially for bisexual women, who are unfairly stereotyped as promiscuous and unfaithful, largely in part to the idea that we are all constantly having threesomes) but it’s even harder when you are having to wade through profiles full of “We’re an open minded couple looking to explore :)”.

The attitudes that many of these couples have about bisexual woman are disgusting. We are referred to as “unicorns”, “a bit of fun”, “thirds”. The expectation is that we are ready and willing to step into the bedrooms of bored couples to fix the fact that they no longer satisfy each other. The idea that we are people in our own right, who have romantic desires and that we could want real, meaningful connections and relationships is completely alien to them, because they see us as sex toys and marital aids.

Even if you specifically state that you aren’t interested in couples, you WILL get messages from couples. I can always recognise a bisexual woman on a dating app before I even scroll to check her orientation, because just like me, she has the tell tale “NO COUPLES!!!!” in her profile, and just like me, I know that her wishes will be ignored and she will be bombarded by couples who don’t respect her enough to accept that she is not available to them.

The entitlement is perhaps the worst part. I have encountered many couples who simply will not accept “No” as a complete sentence. They will pressure you, plead, beg, until it gets pathetic, uncomfortable and frankly, grosser than some of the weird shit I get sent from straight men. They don’t seem to understand that bisexual woman actually get to choose who they have sex with. Speaking to a bisexual woman is not like going shopping for a vibrator, because we actually talk back, and as the ill fated conversation goes on, you can tell they don’t like it.

They feel like we are being audacious for not being interested. That’s the issue. If a single person treated a woman that way, people would recognise that it was wrong, but couples treat bisexual women like this all the time and nothing is ever said about it.

If people want to have sex with other people while in relationships, that’s fine. I don’t understand it, and I have no intention of doing it myself, but as long as everyone involved wants to be there, it’s fine. All I am asking for is that they don’t involve me in it.

Stop encroaching on the space of people who have been clear that they aren’t interested. Stop talking about us as if we aren’t real people. Stop treating us like we are just a set of genitals for you and your bored partner to play with. If you really have to look for another partner, treat the people you approach with respect. It really isn’t hard.