Calling You

I am misery’s mistress,
but she will not commit,
so I spend each night alone,
scribbling my name into the pages of an endless atlas,
asking myself with a choked expression,
where I have been all this time.

It feels like another lifetime since I pleaded with the world not to end,
but I was not as persuasive as my previous dumb luck had allowed me to believe I was,
and I filled up with fire,
cremated and crying.
The world ended, and I was expected to just carry on,
because she was “just a friend” to everyone who didn’t know enough to know better,
and all I can do is hope that she’ll wait for her “friend”,
wherever she went.

She isn’t alone.
I wrote down the names of everyone I’ve ever loved and lost,
and now I’m plagued by paper cuts,
papering over the cracks,
because I’ve got to carry on.

I listened to Patti LuPone singing in that hospital,
to those sad boys,
because I needed to cry,
so badly,
and until she met my gaze,
it wouldn’t come.
She is my healer.
She doesn’t know,
but it is six am,
and she is saving my life.

I allowed myself to cry for actors on a screen,
because they haven’t seen the mess I’ve been in,
and they don’t know what I am and what I’ve done.
It’s so safe to cry for them.

It doesn’t hurt to cry for them.

Jesus Christ.
Was I really so bad?
Don’t I deserve a place, and some peace?
I hate that I have always been hailed as “the strong one”,
because I never was.
I was just there,
afraid to say no,
afraid to show weakness,
and so, I fell into the role.

I can’t be angry.
It isn’t fair,
but I am nonetheless.
Life isn’t fair,
and my hair is as dark as the night’s sky,
so I fall into line,
dark, dry eyes,
now that I have left New York for good.

I’m heading back to the city, in a few months.
I thought I’d haunt the Docklands for a spell,
reliving my glory days that never quite got started.

There is no time to cry,
and nothing that I will allow myself to cry about.
I’d ask you to take me home,
but I don’t know where that is anymore.
I am just scribbles in an endless atlas,
that was never mine to begin with.

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