Sincerely, Jennifer x

I am a monster.

My therapist disagreed. My parents were so proud. They made sure that everyone in town knew that I was responsible for their safety. My girlfriend looked at me with a kind of frightened, begrudging respect. I don’t think that she ever loved me, or even really liked me, but she was afraid of what would happen if she turned me down when I asked her out.

Wherever I go, I don’t pay for drinks. My dinners are always free. All the local businesses send me whatever I’d like. Back home, I have wardrobes full of beautiful clothes that I didn’t pay a penny for. I have the latest tech, a nice car, a beautiful home. I get almost everything that I want.

On the outside, I have a wonderful life, but I wish I could disappear.

I know that people say it all the time, but I really do believe that the world would be better off without me.

I’d be better off without this world.

I hear them every day. Every minute. Every second. They won’t leave me alone. I am followed by all the wrongs I have done.

I am a monster.

I am a curse.

I am the answer to everyone’s prayers.

Everybody wants to feel safe, but it comes with a cost. I bear the cost in their place.

My hands are held by the souls I have separated from this world. I drown in blood, but I can never stop breathing. I have tried. I have begged God to take me. I have begged the Devil. I have begged every demon and deity I can think of, but they do not answer me, and so, I have no choice but to carry on.

There is no crime in Pepperstone. Not any that is legally recorded, anyway.

It wasn’t always like that. Twenty years ago, it was a war zone. Pickpockets, burglaries, murders, rapes. The town was overrun with suffering, and the people were terrified. It was a beautiful seaside town, made hideous by the actions of its people.

My parents had just got married, and Pepperstone was the only town they could afford a flat in. Despite the erratic surroundings, they tried to make their little corner of hell into a home.

There was just one thing missing.

They had a roof over their heads, and wedding bands on their fingers, but they longed for a child.

I might be biassed, but I hate them for doing this. I don’t belong in this world. I should not exist, but they wanted me so much, and now, everyone will suffer. Sometimes, you shouldn’t get the things that you want. Sometimes, the world must stay selfish.

My power is the price of my life. My parents wanted me more than they’d ever wanted anything. They would be blessed with a child, but that child would be cursed.

The child would be a monster.

Nobody knows. Those in the town see me as their hero. Those outside just see a young woman with a charmed life. Some of them think that I am from a rich family, or even a lottery winner, but in truth, I am a monster, or at least, the spawn of one.

They found me by the sea. My parents had wished and wished, and at last, their wish had come true. I was washed up on the beach, alone. An infant, wailing into the wind as dawn broke. My parents didn’t take me to a doctor or to the police. They just took me home. They believed that God had given them their wish, maybe even the Devil. They didn’t care, they just wanted to enjoy their miracle.

I was so young, the first time. Six years old, watching a car robbery from my window. It was so common that you could look out the window at any time and would likely see a car being stolen. I don’t know why that day was different, but I gazed out the window, watching a hooded figure force the driver from his car and bundle inside while his accomplice waved a gun around in the air.

It was just one moment. I looked upon the scene and suddenly, the man with the gun froze. He turned towards me, our eyes locked onto each other. I saw his fear. I could feel it in my fingertips. My heart matched his own quick pace, and I felt his tears rolling down my cheeks as his neck snapped and his life ended.

The hooded figure in the car ran to his friend, hysterical and frightened. The original owner of the car scrambled back into his vehicle and drove away from the scene, and I went back to my home work.

It wasn’t until that night that I realised the gravity of what I had done. I was fast asleep, surrounded by my teddy bears, when I was awoken by clicking and snapping all around me as the wind whispered and whistled from the open window.

The dark night hid him in the shadows for a second, but soon, he hobbled towards me, his face, a pained grimace as his head lolled on his broken neck. I pulled the blankets around me, speechless as he shuffled closer with a snarl.

His mangled feet found the air and he floated across the room, looming above my bed as I sobbed silently.

“You’ve found your power, at last.” His mouth didn’t move but the words filled the air around us, as his blood dripped down onto my helpless hands.

Behind him rose a shadow, tall and terrifying against the bedroom wall. The blood pooled in my hands as I cried out for help. Nobody came, but the shadow grew, surrounding me as the body above me bore into my eyes.

I could hear the ocean, wild and untamed, all around me.

The room became darkness, swallowed by the shadow as it called out to me one last time.

“You are my little monster, Susan.”

I tightly closed my eyes, praying, pleading and hoping for an end to the night, but it never came.

Dawn broke, but my shadow stayed.

I was enslaved by my shadow, under the boot of my power.

I began to see danger more clearly. All the monsters that plagued my town became my prey. I couldn’t help it. They’d find their way into my gaze, and then they were gone. The world’s sickness surrounded me and I fought my way out, leaving a trail of dead criminals in my wake.

The crime stats plummeted. All of Pepperstone’s plague made their way to the morgue and people began to feel safe. They didn’t understand why, but one by one, every dangerous criminal was stopped in their tracks and dragged down to the depths of Hell.

I tried to keep it under control. I’d keep my eyes low, with the dirt and the worms, but my shadow made me look. My eyes were never my own, sworn to serve the shadow and it’s endless hunger for the souls of sinners.

Was he the devil? Perhaps. Maybe God, with a sick sense of humour. He never revealed himself to me, but it didn’t matter, I was trapped with him.

As time went on, and the bodies piled up, he began to hunger for more than the souls of sinners. He wanted acclaim. Glory. Praise. Not for him, but for me. He wanted people to know.

I had done everything I could to keep my power a secret but he drew darker and darker evil to the town, surrounding us with horror, knowing that I would have no choice but to claim their souls and feed him.

One person saw, and then another. They all bore witness to what I was, but they didn’t run. They cheered. They smiled. They cried with gratitude and held me high above their heads, like a hero.

Soon, I was all that people could talk about. I was a local celebrity. I was the answer to their prayers.

They just wanted to feel safe, and so they never considered the cost.

For many years, I bore the cost. I beat myself bloody as night fell, begging for the dawn to remain distant, but the sun always rose, and I was always destined to return to the battlefield.

They wouldn’t let me stop. I was twice as effective as our entire police force. I made it possible for kids to play out safely. I made it possible for women to walk home alone. I kept shops secure and homes free of burglars, but my soul ached, sopping in blood and bad memories.

I couldn’t take it anymore, and as I stepped into the council meeting armed with nothing but my pain, I decided that they had to pay.

I had found my power, at last. Each step was a death sentence. My glare gripped the throats of each member of the council, their necks spinning and snapping in a cursed chorus as the townspeople scrambled, screaming.

I was a monster.

I did not look them in the eyes, knowing that I’d carry their last look with me forever anyway.

They all had to die. They had made a monster of me, made me the daughter of death, and now, they would pay.

I snapped, and snapped, and snapped until the hall fell silent and I was alone.

My parents, posed on the floor before me, pale and painted in terror. My girlfriend’s screams echoing as I watched her run from the building, finally free of her obligation, but never quite free of the way she’d look over her shoulder forever.

My shadow smiled, surveying the scene.

I was clean, but I could feel their blood, burrowing under my skin.

I was the daughter of death.

I was a monster.

I was finally free.

I couldn’t stay. There was nothing for me there. I had cleaned up the town, and yet, I still sensed trouble, all around me. My people made me a monster, that’s true, but perhaps, the world needs monsters.

Sometimes, I think that I am free, but I will always feel their blood in my bones, and I will always hear the cries of people who need to be saved. I am the daughter of death, and I will have one last victim.

Their blood will always be my own. I will remain haunted by the obsession of my shadow, my own obligations, and so, I return to the sea.

Perhaps the world needs monsters, but it cannot be me any longer. The sand feels warm and welcoming beneath my feet, and the waves are waiting for me.

I am a monster, but beneath the bounding ocean, I won’t hear their cries anymore.