The Bride Wore Blood

“We didn’t do anything, you’re crazy.” Her words still echoed in my mind and every time I heard them they sawed deeper into my heart. Every new hearing brought more blood, leaking from the woman he loved, until I collapsed. A wreck. A wonderful wedding wreck.

Heartbreak was exhausting. I’d run marathons, and I wasn’t shy of the gym, so you’d think endurance was my strong point, but I’d been shattered, from my only source of vulnerability. She had caved in my chest, and carved my beating heart to ribbons, decorating herself in the remains of my dignity, and staining my perfectly picked dress beyond recognition.

I looked up, helpless at my husband, as the night slipped away and the fantasy we had built was unmasked as nothing more than a a pitied game of pretend. He said nothing, as if I wasn’t owed an explanation, and her body simply belonged with his.

I was disgusted, and dropped from the cloud I’d been perched on for as long as I’d known him. My very own prince charming, introduced by the woman who would eventually steal him back, and where did this leave me? Floor bound and forgotten.

Of course, they didn’t mean to hurt me. Of course, they didn’t even know what I was saying. Of course, they denied it. Of course, he promised I was the only one he loved. Of course, despite saying that, he still fought for her life, as if she were me. Blood, leaking from the woman he loved, and the woman I could never be. Of course, I was crazy.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

That’s what they’ll say, you know. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. I know the truth.

Guilty minds leak details, and guilty hands feel cold as ice.

So do dead ones.


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Baby Steps
Darling, Desperate, Dismal Girl

Amor, Amor


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“Baby Back There” from Ours

“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours
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An Open Letter To Miranda Larbi, In Relation To Unicorns
Thought Provoking Stories In Your Horror Movies? It’s More Likely Than You’d Think!

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Baby Blue

Knife to my armbands,
lost in the lake of your love.
I rise as I fall.

Oh my baby blue,
I’m just drowning in your charms.
I live as you breathe.


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Baby Steps
Darling, Desperate, Dismal Girl

Amor, Amor


RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Baby Back There” from Ours

“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
An Open Letter To Miranda Larbi, In Relation To Unicorns
Thought Provoking Stories In Your Horror Movies? It’s More Likely Than You’d Think!

Get To Know Me 🙂


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An open letter to Miranda Larbi, in relation to unicorns.

Dear Miranda,

Let’s start with something positive (not that this post will be negative, but you know…) Congratulations on completing the London Marathon! I’ll probably never do this. I could pretend it’s because I’m busy at work, or otherwise occupied, but the truth is, that is part of my “Lazy Millennial” quota. Mother does not play that, so perhaps you’ve already beaten me at life before my whiney open letter has begun. Seriously though, that is an awesome achievement, and your articles on that were great fun to read.

I’m actually writing, as you may have guessed, by my obnoxious pink online presence, in regards to your piece in The Metro about Millennials and Unicorns.

I love unicorns, and I’m over 13. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I don’t care what you think, because I obviously care enough to write a blog post, but I do hope you’ll reconsider considering me infantile, due to this choice.

I mean, if you don’t, I won’t be crying into my Spider-Man spaghetti, but it would be nice.

I will start by being pedantic, and saying that as an adult, I can decide what is for kids and what is for me, and that I’m saying unicorns for everyone.

Okay, now imagine I’m poking my tongue out at you.

Go on, I’ll wait.

Okay, I’m done being intolerable and I’m going to talk seriously now. Let’s continue.

If my parent’s were honest, they’d say they found the beginnings of adult life difficult, and that the struggle never really goes away. I completely respect that. As it all turns out, being alive is actually quite hard, and the adult thing to do, is to be honest, at least with yourself, and find ways to deal with that.

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How Is She, Though?

You mentioned in your article that some members of older generations would manage the struggles of adulthood with drugs and alcohol, and while I respect their right to do so, if they really must, it isn’t for me. To be real, the NHS is in a bad state, and I’m not out here trying to make it worse by taking up their time with something self inflicted that could have been avoided by managing my stress in another way.

It’s all well and good to say that taking it easy and just having a drink or two to take the edge off is a harmless coping strategy, but high levels of stress can leave people susceptible to falling into bad habits with drinking, so it doesn’t seem a logical way to deal with stress and pressure, if you ask me (I’m aware that you didn’t.. also, is it still mansplaining if we’re both women?) because it can be a slippery slope, and I don’t own any shoes that are practical for regular ground, let alone slopes that are slippery.

Also, just to be pedantic again, but many under 25’s are not entitled to the national living wage, and many employers are unwilling to reward equal work with equal pay for all ages of staff, so some can’t afford drink and drugs whenever life gets too much anyway, even if they don’t intend to binge.

So, that’s drugs and drink out the window, so where do I go from there? I could take up some kind of sport, I guess, but I’ve never been the competitive type (I’m a Guardian reading pacifist, unfortunately), and I also have no actual skill in that department, so I honestly feel I’d be wasting everyone’s time and energy, and it would conjure too many unfortunate PE related memories for my fragile little mind to manage.

I could list off another bunch of hypothetical stress relievers here that I don’t want to do, but I’ll just tell you the things I do do (insert infantile, unicorn themed giggle here) to escape from reality.

For a start, I write. Maybe not well, maybe not in a way everyone likes, maybe in a way that some find troubling or problematic, but I do it, and I have a good time.

I also enjoy fun, cute stuff, because, to be ridiculously dramatic (I have a GCSE in drama and I’m not about to waste it), the world is pretty grim, and occasionally I want to brighten it up a little.

The key point is, however, that while I do spend my spare time writing soppy love poetry, with a unicorn pen (occasionally crayons), I’m still a hard working, well adjusted person who has earned the right to do it.

I’m still engaged in the world around me (yes, even when I’m “Always on that phone” as my dear Abuela says), I am still realistic about the path my life will take, and the way the world works, and have faced up to the lowered expectations of what I thought life could be, and am getting on with making the best of what I have. If I choose to do all that while sipping on a unicorn drink, does it make these things less valid?

Am I a little bit silly sometimes? Of course, but I’m an adult when it counts. Spending a few minutes of downtime drinking something cute, or listening to a Disney playlist gives the quick break I need so I can get back to taking on the world, and dealing with the real issues in my life, such as my absurd excuse for a sleep pattern, my high pressure job, and my quest to reach my 80’s without thinking I wasted time stifling the parts of me that other people thought weren’t appropriate anymore .

Liking pretty, glittery things hasn’t drastically impacted on my ability to function as an adult, or diminished my achievements and skills in the eyes of the other adults around me, because the past, as brightly as I was dressed during most of it, has still constructed a resilient and capable young woman, and that doesn’t disappear when I sit down to watch a cartoon, or dye my hair pink.

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Sorry ‘Bout It

I’ve survived the crushing disappointment of gaining a degree and finding no jobs waiting for me, the rejection letters and self doubt that came with it, the sadness of having to lower my expectations in regards to my childhood dreams of a big house, with a garden and a pool, and the sadness of lowering them again, because a decent, reasonably priced one bedroom flat with some heating and maybe a good sized bathroom is also unrealistic these days. I’ve faced wage gaps due to my age and gender, a Tory government, racism, Brexit, Steps splitting up, violence in relationships, bereavement, and so many other difficult things, and I’m still here. Glittery, defiant and annoying as hell, I’m sure, but I’m still here.

I am prepared to take on the adult world, to make tough decisions, struggle through hard times, and then struggle some more, I just choose to do it with pink nail varnish on.

The fact is, millennials are nothing if not resilient. We’re still here. We are still working on making careers for ourselves, and utilising the technology that many say we are addicted to, to find new ways of making money and finding sustainable and secure work. We are utilising social media as an additional tool to present ourselves and to learn more about the world around us, as well as to connect with those we care for, when we can’t be close to them.

I’ve seen millennials start their own businesses to create changes they want to see in the world, I’ve seen them embrace science and technology to create solutions to problems that they face. Millennials are opening their minds to new possibilities in what society can be, and are embracing the differences in the people around them. Millennials are politically engaged and aware of what is unfolding around them. Is it really fair to invalidate all this because they don’t adopt the typical adult aesthetic?

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Witty Caption, you know what I mean?

You could argue that being enthusiastic about fun, colourful things is infantile, but surely the entire sum of someone’s actions means more than just a few parts, no matter how brightly coloured they are?

We have grown up. We are here, in the adult world, doing adult things. To say that this is erased simply because someone older than us can’t see past what mug we drink from, or what coffee we order, says more about their own maturity than it does ours, right? Millennials have more than proven they can hang with the rest of the adults, and we have earned our stripes, and have a right to paint them rainbow if we want to.

Wishing you nothing but the best, in monochrome if you prefer,

J x


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Baby Steps
Darling, Desperate, Dismal Girl

Amor, Amor


RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Baby Back There” from Ours

“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
An Open Letter To Miranda Larbi, In Relation To Unicorns
Thought Provoking Stories In Your Horror Movies? It’s More Likely Than You’d Think!

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Dating, and new writing

Hola amigos,

I hope you’ve been well. I’ve been very busy, going on quite a few dates… with myself. I’ve been single for a while, to be honest, I’d like to be for a bit longer, but I missed things like going to dinner, or seeing a movie, and initially, I thought it would be lonely to do it by myself, but actually, there are a lot of benefits.

For a start, I’m paying for everything myself, so there is no pressure to give anything back (financially or otherwise)for the drinks or the dinner, and I can also wear what I want without there being a sense of entitlement from someone else, because I’m the only one there!

I can also get an ice blast at the cinema, and nobody can tell me that adults shouldn’t have them, because I’m the only one there and I don’t care.

I’ve been on quite a few cinema trips lately, and rediscovered how enjoyable it can be just to sit, and be absorbed by the universe of someone else’s creation. I normally watch movies alone, but I’m big on multi tasking, so I’ll be writing while watching, which can be a little distracting. A major upside to watching a movie alone, and without distractions is that I can see whatever I want. I spent a lot of time when in relationships having to compromise, because most people aren’t interested in horror movies, and mentioning subtitles would send most of my exes running for the hills, so it’s nice to be able to watch things I’m actually interested in.

In other news, below is some new work I’ve finished. I hope you enjoy it!

Besos,

J x


baby steps jennifer juan

No Idea Why

£19.92

Follow

The Two I’s

Damien’s Lament

Baby Steps

Before You

Told You

Freak

White Cliffs Of Dover

Straw

Yearbook

-x-

No Idea Why

I looked up, back down.

I’m fascinated by the fear that frequents our moments together.

No idea why.

I took a step, silent, ran back.

No.

I’m cornered by my curiosity, for the way that you could love me.

I’ve no idea why.

You shy away, just like me, though our hearts have done marathons.

One wrong move from a nervous mouth can ruin a good thing I suppose.

No idea why.

-x-

£19.92

Kicks away the blankets,

still covered with the prints of her producers,

her days are caught in crying,

because she belongs to the songs she sold her soul for,

the melodies are mocking,

and though the crowds sustain her day to day,

she is only alive,

at the edge of death.

-x-

Follow

Anything to be with you.

I’ll go where the trail of your heart desires,

melting at my core,

on an endless exploration.

Anything to burn with you.

Show me the jaw of the jungle,

let me sleep in it’s swallow,

axed by the acid that awaits me.

I’m not afraid,

to die for our journey,

lost to your longing for the universe.

Anything to breathe with you.

Take me to the highest point,

to the ends of the earth,

and into the sun,

to burn up,

at the very thought of you.

-x-

The Two I’s 

My hands are dead,

done with drawing deeds we never did,

and my heart is hardened,

from hearing what it cannot have.

I’m saved by my sanity,

until it leaves,

through the same door she did,

then I’m helpless to myself.

She said I was intelligent,

until I was “insane”.

I’m insane enough to wait my life for her,

and intelligent enough to make it art.

-x-

Damien’s Lament

She’s sleeping.

I watch her toss and turn,

my stomach does the same.

I’m sure her eyelids are a work of art,

and her fingertips are fondant fancies,

french tips, fit for my lips.

Her face is lonely,

without my eyes to keep it company,

the wonder of her waking,

is worth the risk of arrest.

-x-

Baby Steps

She stumbles behind us,

running to keep up.

We need to lose her,

so we can lose ourselves.

Nobody knows,

I’m not even sure I do,

but maybe we’ll know,

alone at the lake,

learning to kiss,

and learning to cry.

-x-

Before You

I’ve given up on giving you everything I had.

I’m picking up the pieces that I put on display,

you never understood them,

and you wouldn’t take a step into my gallery.

I glue the girl back together,

though she fights the skirts you sneered at,

and the pink lip you said wasn’t to your taste.

I place it on her mouth,

to decorate the long howls,

and dress her in all she has left.

I still paint by your numbers,

they add up to fuck all,

I have more troubles,

than your approval,

but I seek it,

every second.

I’m busy rebuilding the girl you left behind,

and the girl she was,

before you.

-x-

Told You

I told you I’m a liar,

but you didn’t believe a word I said.

You told me I was the only one for you,

and I told you I wasn’t for anybody.

Just say it if you want to,

and maybe I’ll figure it out along the way.

Spell it out, say syllables,

because I never learned to read.

Love me if you want to,

I won’t think any less.

I don’t really think at all,

but maybe that could change.

-x-

Freak

She’s uneasy on her feet,

and harsh on the world.

Her head is in the past,

that stabs and stands above,

no matter where she runs.

Would you believe her,

if she said a heart,

was fighting,

under that freak in teal?

-x-

The White Cliffs Of Dover

I’m on a cliff,

and on the sea floor,

in a moment,

if I want it.

I don’t hear Vera,

or love, or laughter,

just waves and wind,

and the rushing of my stillness.

Erode me to the air,

or save me from myself,

right now, it doesn’t matter,

and neither does what led me here.

-x-

Straw

He pulls on my hair,

he pulls on my nerves.

He presses his lips to the straw in his hand,

and all over again, I’m envious of inanimate objects.

My heels removed,

I’m a girl again.

I am blushy, I am mushy,

and I’m disgusted by my desire for him.

He’s drinking again,

as I drink him in.

I’m euphoric, and pathetic,

and I know that he loves it.

He touches my heart,

my hands and my lashes.

The world has stopped,

and only he can make it start again.

-x-

Yearbook

Voted most likely

to steal your elderly husband,

in my high school yearbook,

‘Cause I’m a vampire for vintage,

and I need that stale sweet blood.

I need some seasoned love,

because tomorrow’s man,

doesn’t factor into my future.

I want a face and heart,

with character,

and an earth of experience,

to impact upon my sun.

-x-


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Darling, Desperate, Dismal Girl
Amor, Amor

Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs


RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“The Two I’s” from Baby Steps
“Baby Back There” from Ours

“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Thought Provoking Stories In Your Horror Movies? It’s More Likely Than You’d Think!
Get To Know Me 🙂

Things About Rings


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Follow

Anything to be with you.

I’ll go where the trail of your heart desires,

melting at my core,

on an endless exploration.

Anything to burn with you.

Show me the jaw of the jungle,

let me sleep in it’s swallow,

axed by the acid that awaits me.

I’m not afraid,

to die for our journey,

lost to your longing for the universe.

Anything to breathe with you.

Take me to the highest point,

to the ends of the earth,

and into the sun,

to burn up,

at the very thought of you.


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Darling, Desperate, Dismal Girl
Amor, Amor

Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs


RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“The Two I’s” from Baby Steps
“Baby Back There” from Ours

“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Thought Provoking Stories In Your Horror Movies? It’s More Likely Than You’d Think!
Get To Know Me 🙂

Things About Rings


COME FIND ME
Twitter
Instagram
Ask Jen
Facebook
Patreon
Tumblr