New things :)

Hola amigos!

I hope you’re all doing great, and your January has been everything you wanted it to be. I’m doing pretty well with my 2017 goals so far, and am excited to hopefully make more progress. How has your 2017 been so far?

I’m very excited to be doing my first Patreon live chat this Saturday, at 6pm GMT, so if you’re hoping to be a part of it, you can find out more here.

Now, I haven’t quite finished my novel (will I ever?) but I have finished some new poems!

I hope you love them.

Besos,

J x

jennifer-juan-always-the-mistress-never-the-mrs

-x-

Don’t Wake

He asked me if I’d die for him,
I accepted,
in a heartbeat,
as his last drew near.
His greying hair,
and fraying air,
still enchanted me,
even if the world loved him no longer.
We shook out the last of the sand,
as the planet turned upside down,
at the beach,
where we broke into each other’s hearts,
and built a contented castle to live in.
We drank down denouement,
our epic epilogue.
The sun slipped,
as we slept,
forever,
yet,
never again.

-x-

Jean Eyes

I keep my mouth shut,
or the galaxy leaks out.
Silent sleepy says,
“I’m at peace with you.”
I complicate.
I shouldn’t do.
You’ve been more,
than I’ve ever understood.

Why couldn’t you remain,
the sunless stranger,
your silly sailor aesthetic.

Sunless sailor stranger,
eyes like jeans,
locked on my dresser,
sailing on superficial songs.

-x-

12:21 Amazing Grace

Death on grey matter,
Grey goose to wash it down.
We’ve all been there.
We all end one life,
some of us more.

It stays with you.
I never heard my voice so loud,
until it stabbed a man.
It rang between my ears,
every moment since.
Even when they tried to silence it.

Shoot me up,
the way we shot him,
justice under my skin,
and I’ll sleep as long as you like,
nameless grey label,
among my shamed sisters.

I’ve been sorry, daily.

I’ve been sleeping, lately.

Sleep comes and goes,
but the sorry holds me.

I went out singing and sobbing,
my sorry held my hand.
No grey goose this time though.
It wasn’t my choice.

-x-

Your Beauty Queen

I’m only your prom queen,
when the night is over,
and the lights,
and the kids,
have rushed home,
to make out,
to make curfew.
I dance with the darkness,
and although I see you watching,
I won’t let you cut in.
I’m only your beauty queen,
when the fools around us,
are too in love,
to see the way you stare at me.
Busy with their own baby,
they don’t see the king of the mountain,
trip and fall through his kingdom,
at the command of the troll princess.
I’m only your best girl,
when it’s best for you,
but tonight,
I’m wearing another boy’s jacket,
and boy, does it fit well.

-x-

Power And Pain

Deadly mixture,
one day,
I swear I will self destruct.
There is conflict in my pale legs,
honey eyes,
piano key thighs.

I am at peace,
under the covers.
The world can’t see,
I’m quite enough,
of not enough.

I can’t speak for either side,
but they still ambush me.
They want a comment,
they want agreement,
to tell me I’m not like the others,
to play with their favourite little ethnic doll.

My aesthetic,
apathetic,
but it is mine.
Until you try and buy it
like they purchased us.

I purchased us too,
at least my pale half did.
The half with power.
The half with pain,
makes my skin like gold.

My melanin tells me “no,
don’t fall to the past.
They’ll never accept you,
neither will I.”

I am a slave,
I am my master,
I never truly belonged,
to myself,
to you,
to anyone.

-x-

Alive

You told me
life only ends when you’re sick of it,
and I’ve suddenly fallen so in love with life,
again.
Life is minty fresh,
life is a lie in,
life is a love in,
life is alive again.

-x-

Friday The 13th

Come cuddle with my noir kitty cat,
every moment apart is unlucky,
break the old glass you’ve grown out of,
and walk under the ladder to my world.

I want the salt across the table,
where you rest your legs,
and smirking shoes,
after a long day of pointing at rainbows.

They say you’re no good for me,
but you’re just the jinx I’m looking for.
You’ve eluded me for too long,
and I’m ready to bed my bad omen.

-x-

Indie Fave

They’ll build us up,
with dolly parts,
the silky shards,
of broken hearts.
You’ll flip for our flips,
feel us from your ankles,
to the collarbone that you contour.
We feel so warm,
covered in icy indigo.
I pray to my pleather,
that I keep it together.
They find my soul,
destructive,
devoted.
Switch on my eyes,
that can switch anytime.
Puppet masters playing behind the curtains,
business is as business does.
Artificial authentic.
The buzz inside my heart,
is the buzz inside his wallet.

-x-

The Man Who Replaced You

The man who replaced you,
is grey from head to toe,
doesn’t care for my screaming rainbow soul,
the way you used to.

The man who replaced you,
can’t taste my candy skin,
won’t unwrap me and devour my doubts,
the way you used to.

The man who replaced you,
is a gentle gentleman,
who I wish could lose control,
the way you used to.

-x-

Working

I blaze through the morning ice,
the barnyard boy has a birthday,
my gift is to cope at the coal face,
while the world attends his party.
There are children who can’t play,
and grown ups done with games,
and I’ll head out to give them home,
just as I’ve always done.

-x-

Buy

They say you can fake it ’til you make it,
but you’ve made a mess out of faking it,
my dear.
Money can’t buy happiness,
but it can’t buy you sadness either,
and that was the top of your wish list,
my spoiled, sadistic sweetheart.
It can’t buy the agony that awaits me,
when I turn my key,
and realise all I locked in my apartment,
was the loneliness I’d spend the night with.
I’ll sell it to you,
though,
for some company tonight.

-x-

Tonight’s The Night

His mane is good for hangovers.
With its hair, like a dog,
bites focus, until it’s clear.

Her voice is good for nonsense.
Sickly, syrupy sweetness,
empty as the forgotten bra, on the floor.

His hands are good for changing.
Soft claws, for softer padding,
weaving love while permitting lust.

Her stomach is good for breeding,
A million, mutant moth looking butterflies,
perch on the lining and flutter the fantasy.

His body is good for timing.
At the chime of her cries,
past the hand she was clutching, he arrived.

-x-

Vandalism

Today, we broke time.
Craving another hour,
we simply caught time,
and broke it.

We burned each finger,
biting at its face,
until we decided,
It was broken.

The seconds slid slower,
while we murdered minutes,
our eyes collided,
as we kissed for decades.

Today, we broke time.
Craving another second,
we hunted for time,
and broke it.

-x-

Collectables 

I’m a shelf of souvenirs,
from all of my travels.
I’ve been to Heaven,
I wasn’t impressed.
I’ve had my dramas,
late night horror shows,
with sticky floors,
and sticky situations.
I’ve been to the city,
to see what I could see.
Lungs and life,
polluted,
by the beautiful bubble.
I’ll settle somewhere safe,
and have a million things to show for it.
Lungs, black and broken.
Soul, sticky and sanctimonious.
Life, lived and loved.

-x-

Final Messages

It’s hell.

We just can’t do anything.

Goodbye, for the last time.

I want to close my eyes,

I hear people are doing that,

across the world.

I’m jealous of their trendy ways,

eyes closed, en vogue.

I’m running out of time.

We are still here.

Will I see her for another day?

I can’t simply surrender.

I want to hear myself breathing.

In and out, the air in no hurry,

me, in no hurry.

I hear the world is in no rush,

I would blame them,

but I simply don’t have the time.

They are hours away.

All streets are destroyed.

Don’t let them erase us. 

Everyday

Everyday eyes,
haemorrhaging heart,
no terms complete us.
You complete me.
Your eyes, nothing but eyes.
My heart an underused muscle.
Our lives, simple worlds.
Our love, exaggerated verse.
You, every day, essential to me.

-x-

Lamentable Love

Can’t cry you out,
nowhere to hide,
no surgery to remove,
the memory of you
from my bones.
I tell myself,
you won’t find a seat
under my skin,
despite your hands slipping,
under my skirt,
in my heart,
your beauty,
under my gaze,
in my sights.
I blink every second,
hoping my lashes can clear you,
waiting for a breath of air,
that doesn’t have your name on it.

-x-

Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs

My heart belongs
in my hopeful chest,
and to a myriad of mistakes,
that I simply adore making.
My wardrobe is full,
of what home won’t import,
and I’m so important,
until life ignores the “Do Not Disturb” sign.
I’m a banquet to a beast,
starved and secretive.
My dishonest darling,
until his conscience catches up.
My diamond daddies,
are all my best friends,
until I’m forced to the pawn shop,
by romantic poverty.

-x-


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
What Do Little Girls Dream Of?

Enemy Of The State

RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Tis The Season To Be Bad At Wrapping Presents🙂 
Lipsticks I Love

You Don’t Have To Be Alone

COME FIND ME
Twitter
Instagram
Ask Jen
Facebook
Patreon

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My 2017 Goals

Hola Amigos!

2017 is here! 2016 was a trek of a year, and quote difficult to get through in parts, but it is now time to look towards 2017, with careful optimism.

My goals for 2017 are:

Sleep More

I adore sleeping. If I could list it in the hobbies section of my CV, I would. Despite it being a favourite past time of mine, I do very little of it. I tend to get caught up with writing late in the evening, and before I know it, it is suddenly 1am, and my alarm is only four and a half hours away from forcing me out of bed. Therefore, I’ve decided in 2017, I’ll be attempting to get to sleep before midnight as often as possible, possibly earlier.

Learn A Third Language

I mentioned last year about learning another language, and began courses in Esperanto, and later Welsh, but I’ve yet to master either.

In 2017, I’m hoping to continue with at least one of them, and be able to handle basic conversations without having to constantly check.

Stop Blaming Myself For Bad Things That Happened To Me

In 2016, I accepted a lot of things in my life that had happened in the past, that I had been ignoring and pretending weren’t bothering me. However, accepting them did bring on a lot of guilt for not having said anything at the time, and therefore suffering through it far longer than I could have done.

While I’m not quite there yet (it is only January…), I’d like to reach a point where I don’t blame myself for what I went through or how long I went through it.

I can talk forever on other people not being to blame for bad things happening to them, but when it is me, I can’t help but review everything I did, and think about whether it really was my fault. I have to stop doing this, because there is no way I deserved a lot of the things in my past. There is no way a person can allow themselves to be hurt or abused, because the person who is hurting them is making a conscious choice to do so, and that is their actions, not the actions of the victim. Some people will argue that staying in the situation is allowing yourself to be victimised, but leaving a bad situation isn’t that simple. A lot of the time, you can’t find the confidence to be able to leave, you may feel like you deserve what is happening to you, you may physically be unable to leave. Just leaving isn’t an option for the vast majority of people.

What I’m getting at, is that a person shouldn’t be blamed for something they didn’t want to endure in the first place.

This all seems good on paper (or on screen) but whether I make it through the year without sinking back into blaming myself remains to be seen.

Be Less Afraid Of Conversation

If you’ve ever texted me, or called me, or tweeted me, or anything, you may find that I either don’t reply, or I reply sporadically. If you’ve ever tried to have a real life conversation with me, it has probably been an even worse experience. I haven’t yet figured out why, but I am quite intimidated by one on one conversations with people. Maybe it is a fear of not being liked, or saying the wrong thing? Either way, whatever it is, I’m going to try and move forward with this, because frankly, 2016 was horrible, so I’m sure most people I meet have endured far worse than a conversation with me.

Finish My Novel

This is perhaps my most optimistic one. I’ve been writing my novel since about 2013, and it has had so many changes, rewrites and so on, that I really should be finished, but I’m not. I would like to finish it by 2018, if possible, even if it never sees the light of day, I just want to be able to sleep at night knowing that I finally finished something I started when I was still young and optimistic about my abilities, or whatever.

Stop Referring To Myself As Old

You may notice I’ve already stumbled on this one, literally one paragraph up.

I’m only twenty four, but I feel about sixty (please no jokes about my taste in men) most days. I’m not that old, really, and I honestly have plenty of time to do all the things I want, have some adventures and adopt a turtle, so I would like to stop worrying and edging closer to a mid life crisis before my time.

When I was at university, someone I knew at school suddenly died in a tragic accident, and I think since then, as self absorbed as it may be, I’ve struggled with the idea of mortality. I knew before then that I’d eventually die, because I hadn’t applied myself in science class, and would therefore be unable to invent some kind of immortality serum, but I’d never really thought too deeply about it until then. Having someone I knew dying so young made me suddenly panic about how much time I had left, and how much of my elaborate and ridiculously big life plan I could fit into that time.

I began rushing to try and do multiple things at once. I started training to be a wrestler, I got engaged, I released a book that was nowhere near ready to be published, I started planning to move to London full time. I tried to do all the things I wanted because I figured I might not have the option of waiting until I was actually ready to do them. As it all turns out, that was a terrible way of doing things, and while I’m still busy and a bit ahead of myself, I’m hoping this year to slow down, put less pressure on myself and let things happen when they are supposed to.

I’m not overjoyed at the idea of death, and I don’t think I ever will be, but I’m hoping to let my life go where it goes, without worrying constantly and trying to do a million things at once, so I can enjoy the few things I have.

I’m twenty four, twenty five next month, and that is fine. It isn’t too late for me, and it never really was. I don’t have to hate ageing, because it isn’t an automatic end of my ambitions, it just means I’m better equipped to do what I want.

What are you hoping to do this year?

Besos,

J x


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
What Do Little Girls Dream Of?
Enemy Of The State

Boo, Bitch

RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Don’t Wake” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Final Messages” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Tis The Season To Be Bad At Wrapping Presents🙂 
Lipsticks I Love

You Don’t Have To Be Alone

COME FIND ME
Twitter
Instagram
Ask Jen
Facebook
Patreon


 

Ask Jen – January 15th

Melody Ann asked “What inspired I Love You, Bye?”

The dehumanisation of celebrities. It was originally going to be the end of Querida, with Damien kidnapping her, but I came up with a different ending, so ended up using the idea for a separate story. I think while the majority of fandom is wonderful, creative and respectful, there are people who cross a line and treat their idols as if they are objects that belonged to them, so I wanted to explore the idea a little, and that was what I came up with.

Katie asked “Who is your favourite wrestling manager of all time?”

Either Donna or Vickie Guerrero. I think both really added to matches they were involved in, and really went the extra mile to make the client memorable, without making the entire thing about themselves and leaving the client forgotten, which is pretty much the key point of managing that a lot of people miss. Unfortunately, some genuinely believe it is just about standing at ringside, and clapping/looking dismayed at the right moment, or constantly speaking for the client and doing all the promo work, so they never advance their skills, but there is far more to it than that.

Being a manager is about taking what is great about the client and enhancing it, making sure they are memorable, while giving the opportunity for them to learn from you and improve on what they may currently be lacking, which they both did very well.

They were also both strong female characters who took no shit, which is lovely.

Jack asked “What kind of coffee do you like?”

I don’t. Coffee is far too grown up for me. I don’t even like coffee flavoured things, actually.

Amy asked “What do you think of Youtubers writing books?”

I honestly don’t care to be honest. I know some people get mad about it, but it encourages reading in young people, sells books which brings money back into publishing and helps to fund new authors, and makes the readers of those books happy.

I could complain about Youtubers getting book deals, or I could just keep writing my own stuff, gaining experience and skills and not have an internet trail of trashing other people who have been published, that will make me look bitter, and alienate potential readers when I eventually get a book deal.

I would personally not read many of them, but I’m not the target audience. I think there is a big issue in writing communities in that people genuinely believe that books are only valid if they are the kind of books they will read. It may not be for you, and that is fine, just read something that is aimed at you, and move on. I wrote more on this here, actually.

There is the ghost writing issue, but the fact is, ghost writers decide to ghost write, and they get paid, so it isn’t really something to be concerned about, it is just a part of the writing industry. You could argue that Youtubers should be upfront if their book is ghostwritten, to maintain transparency with their fans, but that kind of defeats the point of ghost writing, because you’re not supposed to know…

TLDR, I don’t care, because I have my own shit to do.

 


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
What Do Little Girls Dream Of?
Enemy Of The State

Boo, Bitch

RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Don’t Wake” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Final Messages” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Tis The Season To Be Bad At Wrapping Presents🙂 
Lipsticks I Love

You Don’t Have To Be Alone

COME FIND ME
Twitter
Instagram
Ask Jen
Facebook
Patreon

Friday The 13th

Come cuddle my noir kitty cat,
every moment apart is unlucky,
break the old glass you’ve grown out of,
and walk under the ladder to my world.

I want the salt across the table,
where you rest your legs,
and smirking shoes,
after a long day of pointing at rainbows.

They say you’re no good for me,
but you’re just the jinx I’m looking for.
You’ve eluded me for too long,
and I’m ready to bed my bad omen.


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
What Do Little Girls Dream Of?
Enemy Of The State

Boo, Bitch

RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Don’t Wake” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Final Messages” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Tis The Season To Be Bad At Wrapping Presents🙂 
Lipsticks I Love

You Don’t Have To Be Alone

COME FIND ME
Twitter
Instagram
Ask Jen
Facebook
Patreon

Don’t Wake

He asked me if I’d die for him,

I accepted,

in a heartbeat,

as his last drew near.

His greying hair,

and fraying air,

still enchanted me,

even if the world loved him no longer.

We shook out the last of the sand,

as the planet turned upside down,

at the beach,

where we broke into each other’s hearts,

and built a contented castle to live in.

We drank down denouement,

our epic epilogue.

The sun slipped,

as we slept,

forever,

yet,

never again.


RECENT CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
What Do Little Girls Dream Of?
Enemy Of The State

Boo, Bitch

RECENT UPCOMING COLLECTION PREVIEWS
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

RECENT BLOGS
Tis The Season To Be Bad At Wrapping Presents🙂 
Lipsticks I Love

You Don’t Have To Be Alone

COME FIND ME
Twitter
Instagram
Ask Jen
Facebook
Patreon