I decided to travel through time today.
Taking myself to that tree in my old back garden, four houses ago,
back when I would perch on the branches like a lovesick, precocious owl.
I used to write you stories,
sweet scenes that I could never really enjoy,
but pushed myself to provide anyway,
because I loved you,
(you don’t need me to tell you that).
Love is sacrifice,
and love is sacrilegious,
and I know you already know this,
so there’s no need for me to lecture from my makeshift treehouse,
but I do,
because I’m only thinking about the tree in the first place,
because it was where I used to write for you,
and I’m only thinking of when I’d write for you,
because I was looking for an old picture of myself today,
and I found an album of our holiday snaps,
and it all suddenly clicked.
I was thinking about you.
My camera really only clicked for you.
I’d pretend to be fascinated by the scenery,
or that you were stood next to something noteworthy,
but I just wanted to keep you somewhere in my gaze,
because you were fucking beautiful.
I remember when I used to tell you how beautiful you were,
and you’d get this lovely little glow on your cheeks,
like the angel that slept within your soul had just awoken.
I could never tell if you blushed because you weren’t used to being told,
or if it was some kind of reaction to the person who told you,
because you used to glow for that man I can’t mention,
and pop stars who played you to sleep with piano ballads,
so maybe there was something in it?
Or maybe it was just teenage, hormonal madness.
Or maybe I’ve gone from a mad, teenage girl,
to a mad, teenage woman,
and nothing had ever been real,
and I’m not in a tree,
I’m on a flight to my hometown,
knowing there is nothing there for me anymore,
since I shared it all with you.
I’m going to get out of this tree,
and I’m going to call up my ex boyfriend,
then I’ll probably let him have sex with me,
and I’ll hate it
and I’ll cry in his en-suite bathroom,
and then I’ll throw up,
and write a poem about that too.
I will use up all his hot water,
trying to banish every trace of him from my body and soul,
because I loved you,
(you don’t need me to tell you that),
and I don’t know what to do with that.
You have been nothing but old photos for such a long time.