Posted in Blog

Solitude Is A Solid Ally

I want to be free,

but I chain myself to pain,

in case it leaves me.

She has always stayed,

lonely on my window sill,

chains around her neck.

She is not ideal,

but she is complex, constant.

Maybe, that’s real love.

Posted in Blog

The Noise

I don’t want to die, by any means, but I have not really enjoyed being alive, for quite some time.

I feel like I’m on a constant track, that deviates, in a sense, every now and then, but never to a place that makes sense, just to a noise.

I know that makes no sense, but this place, is a noise. A long, constant, deafening but quiet noise.

It’s a noise that wraps itself around me, demanding my attention, demanding resources I never had, demanding energy I don’t know how to give, and I try.

I try to give the noise what it wants, but it deviates, in a sense, always asking for something different, before I’ve even began handing over my offering.

I don’t want to die, by any means, but I think that’s what the noise wants me to do. I don’t want to die, by any means, but I think the noises that pull me in so many directions, until I’m hysterical and frayed, would like me to.

Posted in Blog

Dream, My Darling

You’ll never learn to be happy,

because you’re happiest when you’re heartbroken.

It just brings something to the surface,

a cynical siren call,

that you can’t resist,

and you will make the same journey,

so many times,

on just a few hours sleep,

and a few cigarettes,

shuttled between scenes that all end the same,

because you’re at your best,

when you’re self destructive.

You’ll never learn to be happy,

but you’ll learn to pretend,

when the situation requires it.

Smiling will always feel unfamiliar,

but you’ll find room in your back pocket,

for a book of excuses,

that explains away the unnatural way you go from distant to dream come true.

I wish I had better news,

but there’s a lot going on,

and you’ll still always feel like everything happens too fast,

that you don’t belong,

that life is better when you live in stasis,

slowly slipping further into sleep,

until it is all you can do.

You may as well,

because you’ll never learn to be happy,

and the world never learns to be exciting enough to keep you awake,

so,

dream,

my darling,

dream.

Posted in Blog, Creative Writing, Personal, Writing

The Girl Who Fell In Love With Death

It has been many months,
since I saw you last.
Eighteen,
to be exact,
since our secret trysts stopped,
since I sent you away,
telling you,
it was the last time.
It was always the last time.
Every time,
I don’t expect to see you again,
but you follow me,
like a phantom,
finding me,
alone at night,
aching for an ending.

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I think,
sometimes,
that I’ll forget you,
but you carved your mark,
on each of my bones,
scratching into my skin,
our everlasting union.
You persuade me,
that we’re good together,
gripping me in your grasp,
isolated and influenced,
frightened to forget you,
in case you were meant for me,
but frightened of the hold you have on me.

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You are not here,
but I repeat my words.
That was the last time.
That was the last time.
I cast a spell,
casting you out,
keeping myself alive,
just long enough to say,
that I love leaving you behind.
That was the last time.
I have to hope,
that it was the last time.
I have to love myself,
more than I love you,
so,
it must be the last time.