Posted in Blog, Personal

Hello 2018, Goodbye Porn Watchers

I know I already did my “this is not a new year, new me post, but new year, new me!” post, but indulge me, because I have another change I’m bringing into 2018, and it’s something I’ve considered for the longest time.

Up until recently, I actually thought I was asexual. I felt attraction, but the thought of actually having sex either bored me or filled me with dread and disgust. Maybe I’m wrong, and actually am asexual, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think, after some researching and conversations with others who felt like I did, that what happened was, that I associated sex with violence and degradation, due to past experiences, and didn’t want to have sex as a result, and that with the right partner, I could possibly still actually like and appreciate sex (as long as I can overcome my catholic guilt, but that’s another blog post for another time).

The majority of my previous sexual partners, in some way or another, have expressed various degrees of interest in degrading, violent and honestly, misogynistic sex, and they all had one thing in common. They were all pornography watchers.

Now I know what you’re thinking, I haven’t gone ultra conservative or anything, and I genuinely do believe that sex positivity can be a good thing, and that exploring can be fun or whatever, but I think there are genuine issues with pornography that I don’t want making an appearance in my bedroom. Partners who are conditioned to enjoy the degradation of the other, lead to the relationship starting off unequal, from the very beginning. Someone may have the best of intentions outside of the bedroom, but if they can’t match that in other areas, there will always be inequality in the relationship.

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A little more of this, and a little less of… you know.

A lot of the next part is primarily aimed at men, but as they are half of my dating pool, it has to be said, sorry guys. It’s no secret that a lot of pornography gives unrealistic expectations of what sex is actually like, and many will argue that the average man can differentiate, but if that’s true, how come so many still have so many unrealistic expectations? If men aren’t taking notice of what they watch and copying what they see, why are so many men requesting so much of what shows up on Pornhub’s front page? You know why, and many people have articulated this better than I can, but you get my point. Porn is becoming increasingly more violent, misogynistic, and downright unrealistic, and again, that’s not something I’m looking for in my life, or my vagina, or wherever the hell these videos are telling people I deserve it.

I’m not just talking physical violence, either, I’m talking language. I have to be real, I’m a sensitive crybaby. I don’t like to be yelled at, I don’t like to be called names, I actually would probably cry over someone looking at me in a stern manner, so an increase in porn where women are shouted at, and called sluts and whores, seeping into the minds of people who may have sex with me is not ideal. The idea that women enjoy being degraded may be true for some women, but for me, it is the worst thing I can imagine, but for more and more potential partners, degradation of women is on their wishlist. I gain absolutely no pleasure from being yelled at, or called a slut, or from being pissed on. As already mentioned, these things are actually more likely to make me cry hysterically (and worryingly, some people are now into that, too) , yet so many potential partners expect this, because pornography has normalised it, and they can’t imagine sex without it, even when the other person has been more than clear.

I recently had an experience, where I made it absurdly clear that I didn’t want that kind of language to be part of intimacy between me and a potential partner, and he told me that he would agree, but may use language I wasn’t comfortable with anyway, to “push me”, which, for those who may be confused, is basically saying “I’ll say I won’t do it, so you’ll have sex with me, but I probably will, even though you have specifically asked me not to.”  He isn’t even the first one to say something along those lines. Reasonable requests are often pushed aside, reasonable limits are ignored, and why? Because adhering to the standards set out by pornography, and your own pleasure now comes before respecting the boundaries set out by your partner, so, with that in mind, maybe it is time for me to be more selfish? It was a massive red flag, but it also really hurt my feelings. I don’t think it’s too unreasonable to set limits on intimate activity, even when just in the talking stages, and it’s hurtful to know that what’s important to me was just brushed aside, without any consideration as to how traumatic it could be to be potentially thrown into a situation I didn’t want to be in, or why I was so resistant in the first place. Are people trying to hook up with people, or blank canvases for their fantasies?

I also take issue with the discriminatory and fetishistic aspects of pornography, more and more of which is becoming mainstream. The fetishisation of oppressed groups such as Black people, Trans people, Asian people, Latin people and disabled women, not to mention countless others, is off the charts. Fetishisation leads to dehumanisation. These groups become just another category, and people forget that behind the videos, where they are often dehumanised, there are people. It shouldn’t have to be explained that minorities ARE people, but, here we are, this is the world now, and so many apparently forget that those in the videos are real people. Fetishisation has been known to have an effect socially too, with people from the oppressed groups that are fetishised by the porn industry, being treated unfairly, sexually harassed, abused and objectified outside of videos, in real life, as well as behind the screen.

There are multiple articles, films, and interviews that make it clear that many people in the porn industry face abuse and ethically, with minorities often getting the worst of it, I can’t really consume something that involves human suffering. I’m aware that out there, there is probably “good” porn, and alleged “feminist” porn, where no people were hurt and everyone was happy, “free range porn”, if you will, but consuming porn in any way pushes up demand for the lower tier stuff where people are hurt, because it’s cheaper to produce, in the same way that drug consumption empowers cartels, whether you buy direct from them or not, because it provides them with more demand, and more chances to potentially supply. There is rarely a safe or cruelty free drug, and I’m starting to feel that the same is true for pornography.

This leads me to the big change for 2018. I will no longer date people who watch pornography. Now, this could be a challenge, considering so many apparently do in today’s world, but it’s something that matters to me, and I’m tired of settling for a relationship where something I’m so opposed to sneaks in anyway.

I personally don’t watch porn, so is it so bad for me to want to find someone that doesn’t? I’m not saying that I’ll force anyone to stop watching, and I plan to be straight up about it, because for me, it’s a red line, so people can either take it or leave it. You know? For me, I feel it will allow me to have a healthier and happier sex life, and honestly, that’s what I’m looking for. I’m not planning to lecture people who do watch, or make them feel bad, I’ll just be honest about my needs, and what I’m looking for, and I hope they will do the same.

I’ll let you know how it goes!


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Posted in Blog, Personal

Why I Hate Dating In The Modern World

I’m not exactly sure what to say when someone asks me what my “type” is. I don’t think that physically I have a definitive type (I do have a bit of a thing for blondes in suits and a position of power, but I can like other things too), and most of my previous partners have had a variety of looks and aesthetics.

I think that my “type” boils down more to the kind of person a person is (that is a clunky sentence and it hurts me to look at it, but I can’t think of a better way to phrase it, sorry), rather than how they look. I know that is a cliché, and what almost everyone says so that they don’t appear shallow, but it’s pretty true for me.

I would say that my type is polite, romantic and a little weird (for the record, I mean unusual and kooky, rather than peculiar and kind of frightening), and I have to be honest, I’m having a lot of trouble finding that online. I’m sure that some people I’ve spoken to, or even met up with have been like that, but the nature of swiping, texting and so on makes it difficult for a person to demonstrate that.

Yes, in the last few months, I have been investigating and, well, I suppose, participating in online dating, and so far, it’s been dreadful.

My first issue centres around my need for someone a little out there. Rather than finding someone a little out there, I’m almost constantly ending up in conversations with people who are not just “out there” but literally on another planet. I’m looking for someone who maybe has unusual hobbies, or with an accent that I wouldn’t hear in the south, not someone who may be on the sex offenders register. It’s very hard to filter that out when nobody really bothers to fill out profiles, so you have no way to tell in advance.

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To be fair, at least this guy read my fucking profile long enough to figure out I liked wrestling. That’s more than most, but is that how low the bar is? He kind of read the paragraph or so that I wrote about myself, so he MUST be the one?

Yes. One of the major issues is that people barely fill out their profiles, instead, electing to fill them up with crap like “Just talk to me to find out about me…” or “If you want to know, ask…”

Sweetheart.

Sweetie. I’m here trying to meet people, I’m not here for some mystery nonsense. I understand that it can be frustrating to fill them out and try and sell yourself to random strangers, but these days, they are a lot easier due to the apps giving you guidelines and tips, so I’m not really sure why so many don’t bother. If you can’t take five minutes to list a little bit about your personality and what films you like, or whatever, then are we even going to have anything to talk about?

Speaking of “conversation” (using that term loosely). The vast majority of conversations are incredibly formulaic. The usual greetings, a quick check on how each other are, a polite enquiry as to what we’re looking for, and how much success we have had so far, and then an awkward request for pictures, a meeting, or both. Yawn.

I’m not expecting, or even looking to be swept off my feet on an instant messenger, but surely something a little less tried and tested, wouldn’t be out of the question? The whole thing seems so emotionless, and tedious. I’m not sure how you can truly say you’re getting to know someone if you are having the same conversation over and over. It isn’t for lack of trying on my part, I promise, because, believe me, I’ve tried to have more interesting conversations, but you can only converse with parties who are willing to follow where you’re going, or you end up back in the land of “Yeah, how’s you. How are you finding the site. Got many messages? Can I see some pics?”

Now some will tell you that this is only an issue with online messages, but I’m now reaching a point where I don’t buy that. Perhaps it’s because before the end of last year, I hadn’t been on many dates for a long time, but I don’t remember them being so boring. I’m not saying everything should be like Before Sunrise, but for fuck’s sake. Perhaps it is my own fault for agreeing to in person dates with people who I had no chemistry with on the terrible apps, but how else am I supposed to find someone?

Perhaps it is due to the nature of modern matching techniques, that are primarily based on appearance and sexual compatibility. If the focus for most is hooking up, then regardless of what you’re actually looking for, the majority of responses you get will involve that, especially as most people don’t even seem to read profile text all the way through.

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This has nothing to do with my blog post, but it came up when I was searching for stock pictures of people on dates, and it was too cute for me not to use.

I am aware that 90% of what I’m typing seems overdramatic and old fashioned as hell, but I am nothing if not overdramatic and old fashioned. I’m sorry, it is who I am, and I don’t know, it just kind of feels like modern dating, with apps and the same old conversations that actually offer no clue about the other person whatsoever, have nothing to offer me. Maybe I’m being completely reasonable to want to just talk about fun, normal, non sexual stuff for a little before someone asks to see me naked, or maybe I have to just accept that times have changed, and that is just the way conversations happen now. I don’t know. I just want to be spoken to like a person that someone is interested in getting to know, instead of someone who they think can be undressed with copy and pasted sentiments, and the same conversation he or she has had with about twenty other people in their inbox.

So, am I destined to die alone? Will I have to figure out another method of finding someone to love? I don’t know right now. I don’t know if I’ll find my perfect match with modern methods, admittedly, I doubt it, but you never know, and to be frank, it’s where most people are looking, so it’s my best shot, even if I have to leave a lot of frogs on read to find my prince or princess charming.


Order “Stormy Weather” here

Order “Last Of The Greenwich Glamour Girls” here

Order “The Things We Did Last Summer” here

Order “Home Wrecker” here

Listen to”Past Preston” here

RECENT FREE CREATIVE WRITING COLLECTIONS
Are You Afraid?
Ladylike
Summer Of Love

RECENT BLOGS
A Letter To My Fifteen Year Old Self
MYSIGN: The Elements
Jim Chapman’s “147 Things” Review

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