We had been together six months,
when she asked me again,
to tell her about myself.
I thought about just handing her my press bio,
running from the room,
where I didn’t have to confront my coldness,
and the way it blistered her beautiful skin.
Would it be such a sin,
to just go home,
put on a record,
and talk like lovers,
the old fashioned way?
With her graciously ignoring how I freeze up,
pushing her away,
when she gets too close to making me feel good,
not vocalising what she knows I’m holding back,
kissing in candlelight,
so she can’t see the depressing depth of my scars.
I think about all the pages of my past,
that she might not be able to get past,
scrunched up in the back of my mind,
are the days I’ve said goodbye to,
by carefully curated presentations,
pretty, perfect pictures,
that gloss over my less glorious days.
We are running for a train,
her and who I currently am,
I turn back,
and see old days and old ways chasing me.
I am thinking again,
about the press bio,
where I pushed away the way things were,
ushering in new beginnings,
where I could be someone she wouldn’t feel sympathy for,
or tread on tear stained eggshells to reach.
I think of each and every day before I met her,
trying to trust her enough,
to have the kind of heart I think she has,
driving myself mad,
pretending I was born,
at twenty four,
trying to Facetune my life,
until it is safe for her to see,
so she’ll never know,
that my life overflowed so many times,
when I was too young,
and my hands were too small,
to reach out and reign it in.
I don’t know where to begin,
and I’m conscious of keeping things light,
not dropping my whole deal on her dainty head,
because I can’t even handle that,
though I’ve been built by all that I’ve been through,
and now we’ve missed the train,
I’m pooling the platform with the bruises life left,
and I can’t catch my breath…
There’s nothing left.
She’s broken the walls,
stepping over the stones I placed around myself,
to keep what’s left of me safe,
an enchantment that screams
“Please, I’ve had enough”
she is brave,
when I cannot be,
becoming my new spell,
built all around my messed up moat.
her arms speak so loud,
telling me that she has the kind of heart,
that I think she has,
and while the world walks past,
I am learning how to be loved gently.