Posted in Blog

She Call Me “Heartbreaker”

It started with Jay Z’s verse,

in Mariah Carey’s Heartbreaker.

I had heard it thousands of times,

but that time,

in the midst of my own misery,

and eventual heartbreak,

I heard it,

as if it was speaking to me directly.

Shopping in solitude,

because it had been an hour since I’d been adored,

and it made my head hurt,

I was soothed by seeing myself,

in what I’m sure was supposed to be an insult,

because I have been sent back to my Mum,

many a time,

when I give too much,

and need too much,

pretty but paranoid,

chaining myself to the tree of my affections,

never flinching at the saws and laws that say I must desist,

because all I see,

are rainbows,

and where we go,

in my head,

because you are all I need,

but you need someone normal,

and there is a voice in my head,

that tells me this is fate,

every single time,

with every single one,

she just keeps on coming back,

incessantly.

Posted in Blog, Creative Writing, Writing

The Queen of Cluster C

I have…

I have a thing that I’m not ready to discuss out loud,

because it means I have to leave her behind,

the girl I always thought I was.

I am…

I am not okay,

and apparently,

that’s okay,

but it seems very not okay,

when everyone socially distances from my crisis,

like I’m infectious.

I have…

I have always wanted to have a child,

but I’m afraid,

that there is something deep inside of me,

that will find its way to them,

and then,

they will wish I hadn’t bothered,

because it will bother them every day,

following like a hunter,

waiting to strike,

and switch them for someone else,

like it did to me.

I know I would love them,

like nobody else ever would,

the way I love everyone that has the misfortune to meet my heart,

but it wouldn’t be enough,

to earn their forgiveness,

for inflicting it on them.

I am…

I am letters on a letter,

from somebody smarter than me,

that says,

to put it simply,

that I am the Queen of Cluster C,

destined never to be cured,

but keeping it cute,

until I don’t,

and then,

I am not okay,

and it’s not okay,

despite all the tweets and Facebook posts that say something different.

Posted in Blog, Creative Writing, Personal, Writing

The Girl Who Fell In Love With Death

It has been many months,
since I saw you last.
Eighteen,
to be exact,
since our secret trysts stopped,
since I sent you away,
telling you,
it was the last time.
It was always the last time.
Every time,
I don’t expect to see you again,
but you follow me,
like a phantom,
finding me,
alone at night,
aching for an ending.

img_9639

I think,
sometimes,
that I’ll forget you,
but you carved your mark,
on each of my bones,
scratching into my skin,
our everlasting union.
You persuade me,
that we’re good together,
gripping me in your grasp,
isolated and influenced,
frightened to forget you,
in case you were meant for me,
but frightened of the hold you have on me.

img_9640

You are not here,
but I repeat my words.
That was the last time.
That was the last time.
I cast a spell,
casting you out,
keeping myself alive,
just long enough to say,
that I love leaving you behind.
That was the last time.
I have to hope,
that it was the last time.
I have to love myself,
more than I love you,
so,
it must be the last time.

Posted in Blog, Creative Writing, Writing

New Free Poetry Collection – La Historia De Una Princesa

Hola amigos,

You can now check out my new mini poetry collection La Historia De Una Princesa, here or by clicking below. I hope you enjoy it 🙂

jennifer-juan-la-historia

Besos,

J x

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Drowning In Us

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