Posted in Blog, Personal, Thoughts On Writing, Writing

My 2017 Goals

Hola Amigos!

2017 is here! 2016 was a trek of a year, and quote difficult to get through in parts, but it is now time to look towards 2017, with careful optimism.

My goals for 2017 are:

Sleep More

I adore sleeping. If I could list it in the hobbies section of my CV, I would. Despite it being a favourite past time of mine, I do very little of it. I tend to get caught up with writing late in the evening, and before I know it, it is suddenly 1am, and my alarm is only four and a half hours away from forcing me out of bed. Therefore, I’ve decided in 2017, I’ll be attempting to get to sleep before midnight as often as possible, possibly earlier.

Learn A Third Language

I mentioned last year about learning another language, and began courses in Esperanto, and later Welsh, but I’ve yet to master either.

In 2017, I’m hoping to continue with at least one of them, and be able to handle basic conversations without having to constantly check.

Stop Blaming Myself For Bad Things That Happened To Me

In 2016, I accepted a lot of things in my life that had happened in the past, that I had been ignoring and pretending weren’t bothering me. However, accepting them did bring on a lot of guilt for not having said anything at the time, and therefore suffering through it far longer than I could have done.

While I’m not quite there yet (it is only January…), I’d like to reach a point where I don’t blame myself for what I went through or how long I went through it.

I can talk forever on other people not being to blame for bad things happening to them, but when it is me, I can’t help but review everything I did, and think about whether it really was my fault. I have to stop doing this, because there is no way I deserved a lot of the things in my past. There is no way a person can allow themselves to be hurt or abused, because the person who is hurting them is making a conscious choice to do so, and that is their actions, not the actions of the victim. Some people will argue that staying in the situation is allowing yourself to be victimised, but leaving a bad situation isn’t that simple. A lot of the time, you can’t find the confidence to be able to leave, you may feel like you deserve what is happening to you, you may physically be unable to leave. Just leaving isn’t an option for the vast majority of people.

What I’m getting at, is that a person shouldn’t be blamed for something they didn’t want to endure in the first place.

This all seems good on paper (or on screen) but whether I make it through the year without sinking back into blaming myself remains to be seen.

Be Less Afraid Of Conversation

If you’ve ever texted me, or called me, or tweeted me, or anything, you may find that I either don’t reply, or I reply sporadically. If you’ve ever tried to have a real life conversation with me, it has probably been an even worse experience. I haven’t yet figured out why, but I am quite intimidated by one on one conversations with people. Maybe it is a fear of not being liked, or saying the wrong thing? Either way, whatever it is, I’m going to try and move forward with this, because frankly, 2016 was horrible, so I’m sure most people I meet have endured far worse than a conversation with me.

Finish My Novel

This is perhaps my most optimistic one. I’ve been writing my novel since about 2013, and it has had so many changes, rewrites and so on, that I really should be finished, but I’m not. I would like to finish it by 2018, if possible, even if it never sees the light of day, I just want to be able to sleep at night knowing that I finally finished something I started when I was still young and optimistic about my abilities, or whatever.

Stop Referring To Myself As Old

You may notice I’ve already stumbled on this one, literally one paragraph up.

I’m only twenty four, but I feel about sixty (please no jokes about my taste in men) most days. I’m not that old, really, and I honestly have plenty of time to do all the things I want, have some adventures and adopt a turtle, so I would like to stop worrying and edging closer to a mid life crisis before my time.

When I was at university, someone I knew at school suddenly died in a tragic accident, and I think since then, as self absorbed as it may be, I’ve struggled with the idea of mortality. I knew before then that I’d eventually die, because I hadn’t applied myself in science class, and would therefore be unable to invent some kind of immortality serum, but I’d never really thought too deeply about it until then. Having someone I knew dying so young made me suddenly panic about how much time I had left, and how much of my elaborate and ridiculously big life plan I could fit into that time.

I began rushing to try and do multiple things at once. I started training to be a wrestler, I got engaged, I released a book that was nowhere near ready to be published, I started planning to move to London full time. I tried to do all the things I wanted because I figured I might not have the option of waiting until I was actually ready to do them. As it all turns out, that was a terrible way of doing things, and while I’m still busy and a bit ahead of myself, I’m hoping this year to slow down, put less pressure on myself and let things happen when they are supposed to.

I’m not overjoyed at the idea of death, and I don’t think I ever will be, but I’m hoping to let my life go where it goes, without worrying constantly and trying to do a million things at once, so I can enjoy the few things I have.

I’m twenty four, twenty five next month, and that is fine. It isn’t too late for me, and it never really was. I don’t have to hate ageing, because it isn’t an automatic end of my ambitions, it just means I’m better equipped to do what I want.

What are you hoping to do this year?


J x

What Do Little Girls Dream Of?
Enemy Of The State

Boo, Bitch

“Don’t Wake” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Final Messages” from Always The Mistress, Never The Mrs
“Baby Back There” from Ours
“Window Shop” from Ours

“Beach Walk” from Ours

Tis The Season To Be Bad At Wrapping Presents🙂 
Lipsticks I Love

You Don’t Have To Be Alone

Ask Jen


Posted in Blog, Creative Writing, Personal, Writing

Enemy Of The State

You’re right, it isn’t my country,
despite swapping states,
like I used to swap Pokémon cards,
and completing the assimilation game,
without cheat codes.

“Uncertainty is excellent,
all is well.”
Says ageing, expat, pop star scum.

I’ve never stolen anything,
but the hearts of a few,
and even then,
I returned them, with interest.
I still can’t shop without being watched,
I’m hoping my private reality show is cancelled, soon.

He’s right, this isn’t my country ,
despite all I’ve given.
I wanted to be just like you, once,
or at least the you on sale in gift shops.

Tea, Oxbridge pleasantries,
it isn’t real,
and now, neither am I,
despite the very real passport in my possession,
that is happy to claim me as one of your own.

I only want to own myself,
and walk the streets,
hopeful, as you do.

I do not go where I am not allowed,
I’ve never taken life,
but I hope to give it.
All I take is what I earn,
and I’m open to sharing.

“Imaginary independence is excellent,
all is well.”
Says banker of the people, yet peoplesceptic scum.

They’re right, this was never my country.
I am too changed for my old home,
and never enough for my new home.

This is not what I hoped to leave,
for the next me,
who is refusing to enter,
for fear she will be forced to leave,
or worse, forced to stay, unwanted.

Go home?
I will, if you’ll just let me pass.
It’s just up the street,
I’ve got a garden, with poppies,
not even just to assimilate,
and my Abuela will wonder where I’ve got to,
whether I address her in English or not.

I know, this isn’t my country.
Although, I have to ask,
why is my word only as good as the language it comes in?

“I don’t know what I ever did wrong,
nothing is well.”
Says the one the rags and rabble call scum,
but she is something to somebody,
I am something to somebody,
my only crime was being brown.

Boo, Bitch
Sincerely, Jennifer x

Darling Dawn

“Window Shop” from Ours
“Beach Walk” from Ours

The Road To Halloween Continues
Jen’s Spooky Soundtrack
British Fashion Start Up Awards Nominations 

Ask Jen

Posted in Beauty, Blog, Lifestyle, Personal

What’s In My Bag? + Learning A New Language!

Whatsinmybagjenniferjuan final

So, I’ve never done a post like this before, primarily because I keep nothing of interest in my bag. Up until recently, I didn’t even HAVE an interesting bag. However, I got the idea from Fran’s excellent post on blog ideas, and figured I may as well give it a go.

My bag was an effort to keep things practical, while still having a bag that represents me. While I’m not actually a cat, no matter how much I enjoy naps and giving presents nobody wants (always bad box sets, never dead birds, I promise), I try to live a fun and carefree life when I can, and a cat themed backpack spoke to me on that level, which is why I was thrilled to get it for Christmas. It also has ears. Who doesn’t want a bag with ears? It also has a lot of room and is durable, but I thought you might be more interested in the ears. I know I was.

The Star Trek playing cards may seem an odd choice, especially when you consider I don’t know how to play any card games. However, they are beautifully designed, featuring all the original series favourites (before JJ Abrams got his hands on them, more on that if I ever blog when angry), but they are perfect for something I recently discovered. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I recently (January is still recent to me..) saw a psychic, and I found the whole thing so interesting that I decided I wanted to know more. I’ve used horoscope apps, much to the display of everyone who looks through my phone and says “you believe in this crap?” for years, but I had never attempted to tell my own fortune, until now. As it all turns out, this can be done with playing cards, and so I keep them with me so I can practice, memorise what each card means and occasionally find out what is waiting for me around the corner.

This Royal Jelly body lotion was part of a set from Boots, that was originally a present (occasionally I do well in that department), and looked so nice, just from the packaging that I got a second set for myself. It has a beautiful scent and leaves my skin feeling soft and refreshed, and I am heartbroken that I can’t find it at Boots any more.

My keys are pretty essential, I suppose. They aren’t even fancy. My bad.

Tesco’s Pro Formula Handgel has a lot that I can get behind. It’s green. I like green. It promises clean hands without water and delivers, and includes moisturisers to minimise the risk of dry hands. It’s a win win thing, really. Clean, not dry hands, with a cool, green goopy thing. What’s not to like. Also, it doesn’t feel sticky, it just looks like it should.

Maybelline’s Colorsensational Cocoa Fever Lipgloss is my favourite lip gloss at the moment, as you can tell by how used it looks! It gives a great shine to the lips, and isn’t too heavy. It has an unmistakable and delicious cocoa scent, and is long lasting, making it my perfect gloss.

Now, I have to be honest, I have no idea where my purse is from. I’ve had it for a while, and it has all kinds of stuff inside, and I suppose if I had looked hard enough, I could find out where it was from, but I didn’t so I can’t. Again, my bad.

Learning A New Language Jennifer Juan

The contents of my bag are not the only exciting thing on my blog today (please let me at least have a moment before telling me the bag wasn’t exciting, I beg of you), because I have decided to learn a new language!

It is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but I kept putting it off and telling myself I didn’t have the time. I was looking for something that would remove those excuses and give me the motivation to learn and I found that with Duolingo.

For those that don’t know, I spend roughly three hours of my day, every week day commuting on public transport to work, and while I often fill that time with writing, reading and Sonic Dash (the choice of the grown up commuter with a grudge against adulthood and excellent tapping skills), I realised an app like Duolingo could fit in perfectly.

So far, I’m a few lessons into my course on Esperanto, which I decided on after researching all the languages offered, and discovering that William Shatner once starred in an Esperanto language horror film, that I’ve made it my mission to watch, without subtitles one day.

I’ll let you know how it goes, and maybe one day, I’ll be writing to you in Esperanto.


J x


Siren Songs To The Sugar Bowl
Bigger Than Satan
Casa Azul